Lazblog

“Valentine” by Adam Lazarus

2009-02-13T08:53:00.001-07:00

I hope you liked the teddy bear. I hope you liked the flowers.
I hope you liked the candy too, the sweet ones and the sours.

I hope you liked the scented candles and the big balloon,
The cute, romantic poem and the bottle of perfume.

I hope you liked the necklace and the pretty lingerie.
I hope you liked the tickets for the opera and ballet.

I hope you liked the chocolates, the cookies and the cakes.
The fancy soaps and oils and the lotions for your aches.

I hope you liked the picture frame. I hope you liked the book.
I hope you liked the dinner that took all day long to cook.

I hope you liked the guy who gave these gifts (although he’s dumb.)
See, I forgot to sign the card to tell you who they’re from.

The House with No Christmas Lights

2008-12-22T16:43:00.001-07:00

“The House with No Christmas Lights” by Adam Lazarus

Mine is the house with no Christmas lights.
It’s the only dark house on the street.
I’m Jewish you see,
So it’s not meant to be.
During Christmas my house can’t compete.

Most people’s houses have Christmas lights.
Not mine. Though I never knew why?
So what I’m a Jew?
All my lights could be blue
In the shape of a dreidel or chai.

I’ll just call them lights, not “Christmas lights.”
And I won’t have a Santa or sleigh.
There’ll be no reds or greens,
Or nativity scenes,
But my menorah will blow you away!

People don’t realize that Christmas lights,
They’re really a Hanukkah thing.
The Yule stole the rights,
To our “Festival of Lights”,
And now my home’s dark until Spring.

So mine is the house with no Christmas lights.
It’s the only dark house on the block.
No reindeer. No elves.
You can see for yourselves,
When you go on your holiday walk.

Yes, mine is the house with no Christmas lights.
During Christmas we Jews take a breather.
Sure, without light
Our house ain’t as bright,
But we don’t get those Carolers either!

Copywright - Adam Lazarus 2008

A Jewish Christmas

2008-12-22T16:40:00.001-07:00

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Kickass Kwanza! Terrific Tet! Beautiful Bodhi! Whatever you celebrate, have a happy one!

And for my politically correct or agnostic friends…have a Content Non-Denominational Winter Season!

Every year I send out this poem and it’s become an instant holiday classic like “The Night Before Christmas”, egg-nog and wearing ugly-ass sweaters. So enjoy this little tongue-in-cheek poke at Christmas from a Jewish boy’s perspective.

"A Jewish Christmas" by Adam Lazarus

Christmas comes but once a year. For me that is enough.
You see, I am a Jewish boy which makes things kind of tough.

Hanukkah is nice and all, but c'mon let's be real.
It ain’t hard to see we got the raw end of the deal.

All my friends are Christian folk, but since I am a Jew,
There are fun traditions that I never get to do.

I don’t hang my ornaments upon a Christmas tree.
There’s no stocking stuffed with love for Hebrew kids like me.

Whose lap can I sit on with my list of games and toys?
St. Nick doesn't bring a thing for Jewish girls and boys.

Santa's giving Playstations to little Christian kids.
The Rabbi at my Temple's giving dreidels to us Yids.

I don't get to decorate my house with flashing lights.
No, I'm burning candles for eight so-called "festive" nights.

We don't sing 'bout decking halls or reindeers with red noses.
All we do is sit there and tell stories about Moses.

No one sends us fruitcake. All we get are macaroons.
We don't get the Grinch or other holiday cartoons.

Who wants greasy blintzes or a latke made from scratch?
I want ham and eggnog and some cookies by the batch.

I can't even send a card! The picking’s just too slim.
My friend always gives me the same card that I give him!

Our catalog of Hanukkah music isn’t very strong,
‘Cause other than that Sandler tune, we only have one song.

We don't go on sleigh rides and we don't hang mistletoe.
On December 25th we've got no place to go.

Chinese food and movies are a Jewish Christmas Eve,
When we wake the next day there’s no presents to receive.

Just give us a menorah and some candles and we're fine.
And if we want to party we add Manischewitz wine.

Listen, I like Hanukkah. I just think it’s funny.
They get wreaths and tinsel. We get chocolate covered money.

Hanukkah's a time to honor Judah Maccabee,
He taught Jewish people 'bout conserving energy.

Christians got the birth of Christ and we got something too.
The miracle of lasting light from one important Jew.

Now you know the story and the reason I complain.
Maybe now you Christians will begin to feel my pain.

I love being Jewish! But the goy have got us beat.
Hanukkah's just not as good, it really can't compete.

They can have this holiday, for we have many more.
Gentiles may get Christmas, but we Jews get Yom Kippur!

Tool Time With Logan

2008-12-22T16:29:00.004-07:00

Emily’s wonderful cousins the Alexanders bought Logan a kids’ work bench and tool set about a year ago. I just now got around to setting it up for him. Here are some photos of me and my boy doing some father son bonding while I attempt to assemble this thing. Now I know why it took me a year to prep myself – it was one hell of an undertaking. I needed a real work bench with real tools in order to put together a “LittleTykes” work bench with toy tools. Go figure. The whole process took just under 4 hours to put together (3 hours of which was deciphering the Da Vinci Code-like instructions). Logan was involved for 7 minutes total but it was quality time together and the end result was wonderful.

Here are the photos of a guy with no ability to put things together, putting something together. Enjoy!

Father and son taking all the parts and pieces out of the bags. Dumping stuff out and making a mess was Logan’s favorite part. There were over 1,000 parts, many of which looked the same, and when the work bench was finally assembled there were still hundreds of leftover pieces. Is that bad?

15 minutes into it and I’m already confused. Notice the concentration on my face, the tool in my hand ready to be put to use and my son Logan looking on thinking “I could’ve had three of these built by now. C’mon pops!” The problem were many: the directions were in Deutsch or Finnish or something, the illustrations were so small it was impossible to make out the details and the entire time I had a 2 ½ year old repeating “Dad, is it done? Dad, is it done? Dad, is it done?” in my ear while smacking me with the toy tools (which DO still hurt when you take one to the face by the way.)

30 minutes into it and I’m ready to kill myself. Too bad this was a toy drill or else I may have ended it right then. There were 39 steps in total! 39! There weren’t that many steps to follow when I assembled his crib! But there WERE just as many left over parts…now that’s bad, right? I better check on that. Thankfully Logan “talked me off the ledge” by hitting me as hard as he could in my crotch with a toy Allen-wrench. No they don’t hurt as bad as a real wrench does, something I have experienced before, but it still packs quite a wallop. My eyes were teary.

Finally we get a few key pieces together and it’s starting to resemble the picture on the box. Sort of. No joke, it took at least 30 little screws to attach these legs. And after painstakingly screwing each one in I realized the legs were backwards while screwing the last one in. Did I spend the extra hour to unscrew all of them and start again to make it perfect for my son like any good dad would do? Hells no! I screwed the last one in and just hoped that no other parts relied on this one being correct. As long as Logan doesn’t lean on it or put anything heavier than a can of tomato paste on it than we’re golden.

Logan and I consulting the directions for the 50th time. The manual read like nuclear reactor blueprints and were impossible to follow: “Insert the light tan A-beam into the corresponding beige A-hole and blah blah blah.” (Hahaha, A-hole.) It was worse than when I put together our TV stand from Ikea (which does wobble pretty badly whenever you change a channel.) But this is just a toy! Why does it have to be so complicated? Better yet, why am I so stupid that I can’t assemble a toy? Logan seemed to understand it very easily though and had to explain it to me…

…but the boy also spent the majority of the time playing inside the box, so what does he know. Seriously, forget the toys. Some company should come up with kids “toys” that are nothing but corrugated boxes and bubble wrap. That’s all they like anyway. You open up the box and guess what’s in it? A box! Oh boy! It would keep ‘em entertained for hours and cut holiday gift giving costs as well.

Here is the completed project! The Craftsman Work Bench and Toy Set by LilttleTykes. Sure there were a lot of pieces left over, it shimmies a little when you walk by it and there is a pronounced lean to one side…but it’s done. And look how happy Logan is? He doesn’t care that it’s a half-assed job. What’s the old saying? Any job worth doing is worth doing fast? Yup, that’s my credo. Plus, it’s a tool set/work bench so part of the fun is for Logan to fix it himself right?

Now the fixing begins! There was a lot of screwing, banging and sticking things in holes. (Get your minds out of the gutter people.) But seriously, Logan LOVED playing with this thing. He was like a real handyman and was fixing things all around our house – things I’ve been neglecting for months. The light in our hallway now works, the toilet’s stopped making that hissing sound and the front door doesn’t squeak anymore. He’s very authentic too - he doesn’t speak great English, takes his sweet-ass time and even has a beer gut in the photo on the right. All he needs is a dirty pickup truck and a yellow page ad and he’d be in business.

Many, many loud hours and many “projects” later Logan is still having fun. Next to a drum set though I’m not sure you can get a more earsplitting toy than a work bench. Every little part made loud tool noises and it encourages hammering and loud banging as play. I’m guessing “Baby’s First Jackhammer” or the “Lil Jet Engine Playset” were sold out so this was the only toy available? What did we ever do to our cousins to deserve this evil noisemaker? Just kidding, it’s a great toy but wow, the racket was relentless. But at least our house is fixed up just in time for us to sell it.

This is me after hours of the aforementioned noises. Unfortunately this was only a fake staple gun. Apparently little kids do a lot of fake stapling and need a fake staple gun in their tool set. (Fake staples sold separately.)

This is the best photo of them all as it captures Logan in true handyman form! Bent over showing the world the ol’ plumbers crack! PERFECT! To complete the effect he also smelled like turpentine mixed with instant coffee and cigarettes and told us he’d be back to finish sometime between 9am and 4pm. He even left us an invoice for $150 for 3 hours of work. If school doesn’t pan out for him he’ll have a successful career as a handyman. He’s definitely got the mind (and the crack) for fixing things!

Hope you enjoyed tool time with Logan. We’ll see you soon!

All our love,
Adam, Emily, Logan, Sawyer and Bob the Fish.

Ode To Turkey

2008-12-22T16:27:00.001-07:00

A Thanksgiving classic by me...

"Ode to Turkey" by Adam Lazarus

Turkey, you are just the best,
With your juicy legs and breast.
Dipped in gravy, you're so great,
Piled on my dinner plate.

White meat, dark meat, doesn't matter,
Served upon your silver platter.
Filled with stuffing, hot and yummy,
Can't wait 'til you're in my tummy.

Turkey, with your golden hue,
I think I'm in love with you.
Basted in delicious spice,
Every bite of you tastes nice.

I like you with pumpkin pie,
Cranberries in large supply,
Potatoes, whether mashed or sweet,
Make my turkey meal complete.

On Thanksgiving every year,
You fill up my day with cheer.
Stuffed and cooked then carved to eat,
Turkey, you can not be beat.

Back since Pilgrims had their feast,
Turkey, you have never ceased.
No one loves you more than me,
You're my favorite type of "key."

Yes, I'm sad you met your end,
For this holiday, my friend.
But you made so many smile,
That it seems to me worthwhile.

This year I'll eat all I can,
Turkey, I'm your biggest fan.
You're the best, in every way,
I give thanks for you this day.

Halloween Lazarus Style

2008-12-22T16:01:00.006-07:00

Here’s hoping your Halloween holiday was happy! Wow, that was hard to say. Halloween for the Lazari this year can best be described as…exhausting. Between trying to sell our home in the worst market ever, hectic work schedules, two little ones that require a lot of attention and a month where all of us were sick at least once, I’m glad Halloween is over. But we had fun! Here is our Halloween play summed up in three acts. Enjoy!

ACT 1 – THE PICKING

Our annual tradition of wild pumpkin picking continues. Daddy and son take the long walk to find the perfect pumpkin. And I emphasize the long part. There are quite literally thousands of pumpkins in this patch and Logan wanted to look at all of them. He inspected each one quite thoroughly to find one that he deemed perfect. He kept saying, “No, too smashed” or “No, too ugly” or “No, too orange.” Too orange? How can a pumpkin be too orange? It was fun and funny, but frustrating. It took over 21 hours but we finally found the perfect pumpkin!

Notice his reaction when he finally found the perfect pumpkin! He was so elated. It was nice and round, not “smashed” or “ugly” and apparently just orange enough for his liking. Now the hard work of extracting it from the earth and hauling it to the car begins.

First Daddy and Logan tried to cut the sucker from the vine but I was too weak from all the hours of pumpkin searching, plus I hadn’t eaten any breakfast. Not to mention that I’m a weakling. So I defaulted to the brains, beauty AND brawn in the relationship…

MOMMY! With a flick of the wrist she lopped the pumpkin right off! (But I loosened it for her.)

Posing with the perfect pumpkin. There’s Logan, Mommy and a big, smelly hollow fruit, known affectionately as Daddy. (Sawyer stayed home that day….lucky bastard.)

Then…tragedy strikes! While walking back to the wheelbarrow with his precious pumpkin prize in hand, Logan dropped the gourd on the hard ground causing it to crack and roll into a little gulley…exhausted and upset, we had to repeat the entire process again.

Logan was so upset over the loss of his pumpkin pal that we decided to buy him over 50 more pumpkins to equal the one perfect one we lost. Here is Logan posing with over $1,400 worth of Halloween happiness. The things we do for our kids.

Okay, so we didn’t buy 50 of them, but we did fill our trunk with more pumpkins than any one family needs…unless you’re a Mormon family or a family who really likes pumpkin pie. And I like pie. So I got a trunk full!

ACT 2 – THE CARVING

Emily loves pumpkin carving. I do not. She likes to spend hours doing intricate patterns and complex images using a pumpkin as her palette. Me? I write BOO on the outside in black marker and then after my wife goes to bed I go outside and add another B to the end of the word I wrote. BOOB! Haha, c’mon, it’s funny! But not Emily. Boob doesn’t work for her. She loves to carve and wanted Logan in on the act.

But Logan wasn’t that into it. Problem was, a) he’s a toddler so he has no attention span and b) he absolutely would NOT put his hand inside the pumpkin. No matter what we said he refused to touch the pumpkin guts. He didn’t like the gooey texture, the smell or the fuzzy pumpkin innards. Emily’s been changing several bad diapers every single day now for over 2 ½ years, she’s dealt with gooey, smelly innards way grosser than any pumpkins, so for her it was a vacation. While mommy scooped, Logan spent the time mixing around the seeds and kept saying they looked like teeth.

Here’s a nice shot of Logan using a precision pumpkin cutter (with Mommy’s help of course.) But when Daddy said “Smile for a picture!” no one was paying attention and Logan almost sliced mommy’s finger off. Mommy’s a dentist and needs those fingers. No one likes a 9 fingered dentist; it’s just plain weird when a dangly fingered glove nub is in your mouth while you’re in the dentist’s chair. Thankfully for Mommy and her patients, all digits remained intact.

After about an hour of intense carving (of which Logan participated for maybe 2 minutes) our pumpkin was officially carved. Logan named him “Jacko Lantern”, very original. He loved his little pumpkin friend. He said hi to him every day before Halloween. But now Halloween is over. And yesterday we had to throw Jacko away because he was starting to stink something fierce and devaluing our already devalued home. Logan was not happy. Until I showed Logan what Jacko looked like inside, all black and furry and smelly and gross with little thingies crawling around. Logan saw how nasty it got and said “Ewww, throw him in the garbage now please! Jacko is yucky!” Pumpkin love is fleeting I guess.

ACT 3 – THE TRICKING AND/OR TREATING

For months Logan knew what he wanted to be for Halloween. Not a ninja or superhero, not a cowboy or Sponge Bob, not a monster or ghost. He only wanted to be a cow. Yes, a cow. So we dressed Sawyer like a chicken, Emily was a sheep and I went as a farmer. This is what Halloween looked like on our farm.

Usually it’s cold here for Halloween but this year, it was 90 degrees. Sawyer’s costume was made out of wool or something, so needless to say he was in his costume for 5 minutes. Enough to snap a few pictures and than it was back to diaper only. But before he started freaking out from overheating, we snapped this photo and its great. What a friggin’ cute chicken huh? What’s NOT cute though are the hairy farmer arms in the background.

Logan’s costume was also quite warm but he LOVED his cow costume more than anything. He’d still be wearing it today if we let him. His was thicker and hotter than Sawyers and he was sweating worse than Mike Tyson at a spelling bee yet he refused to take off his cow costume at any point that evening. He wore it with pride and honor as seen here…keep in mind this photo was taken at 3pm on Halloween eve.

Logan wore the costume in his carseat on our way to that night’s trick or treating festivities, still refusing to remove any part of his cow getup. Other drivers loved seeing him and whenever he had the opportunity, he’d “Mooooooo!” for them. It was hilarious.

Here he is, mid-moo.

Logan and a few friends primed and ready for an evening of trick or treating. Spidergirl, a cow and a butterfly. There were also pigs, lions, killer whales, penguins, biker boys, witches and one little boy who was dressed up like a priest. Ironic huh?

All smiles at 6pm despite Logan losing 9 lbs. of water weight due to the stifling costume. He was wet with sweat, we felt like awful parents, and tried to get him to take the cow suit off, yet the boy flat out refused to remove the outfit. Whenever we tried to cool him off, he just got angry. And no one wants to mess with a mad cow.

Trick or treating with a toddler, and his friends, is more work than fun. They grab handfuls of candy, want to eat it all immediately, cry when they can’t, trip and fall over their costume, get frightened easily by the people dressed in scary costumes, whine about their feet hurting and then want to be carried the rest of the night. But here is Logan and his friends trick or treating at Logan’s Mamie’s house. (Mamie is Ellen, his grandma.) She’s dressed like a mouse. Mamie Mouse.

Here is Logan stealing yet another piece of candy from his bag mid-trick or treat. I caught him on film this time! Since he’s got a nut allergy I had to confiscate and consume all Snickers bars, Almond Joys, Butterfingers, Reeses, etc. he was given. I must have eaten 40 candy bars in a span of 2 hours. But that’s what dads do. They sacrifice themselves for their children. And by sacrifice I mean steal all the good candy for myself and devour it on the walk from the house’s front door down the driveway where Emily is waiting on the street. I shared none of them with her. See, I didn’t want her to “suffer” either. I am a man of honor. A very fat, hungry man of honor. (Note: It is now 6 hours after putting on his costume, Logan is drenched with sweat, high on sugar and tired from walking yet STILL refused to remove his cow costume.)

Finally…close to 9pm…a good 6 hours, 40 houses, 5 lollipops, 216 “Moooooos!”, 3 trips and falls and 2 tantrums after first putting the cow costume on, Logan decides to rest, at least remove the headpiece and enjoy another well deserved lollipop. He was quite a trooper. He is tired. He is sweaty. He has a bad diaper, I’m guessing. He’s done and he’s, he’s, he’s…putting a lollipop in his hair! Nice.

So that was our Halloween in three acts! Hope yours was as fun, as exciting, as exhausting and as memorable as ours. Until next time…

Adam, Emily, Logan & Sawyer

Halloween's Here

2008-10-20T16:46:00.002-07:00

Halloween’s here! I always forget.
I still haven’t picked out my costume yet!
What do I do? If I’m not mistaken,
All the best costumes are already taken.

I’ve clicked on the websites, been to the shops,
Seen tons of costumes, makeup and props.
I want a costume that’s one of a kind.
Costumes like those are the hardest to find.

Goblins are boring. Ghouls are too easy.
Pirates and witches and devils are cheesy.
Mummies are mundane. Skeletons stink.
What can I be this year? C’mon man, think!

Cowboys are corny and vampires suck.
I can’t find a costume! I’m having no luck.
Werewolves are worn out. Soldiers are sour.
It’s all coming down to the last final hour!

I want something clever, not cliché or trite,
Something creative for Halloween night.
Nothing that costs me a great deal of money.
Scary, yet topical. Classic, yet funny.

I hate wearing makeup and won’t wear a mask.
Thinking of costumes is such a hard task.
I got it! I’ll put a sheet over my head,
Am I dressed like a ghost? No man…

I’m a bed!

What I’ve Learned Now That I Have Two Kids

2008-10-20T10:12:00.004-07:00

Muhammad Ali once said that “children make you want to start life over” and I couldn’t agree more. We’ve had such a good time with our oldest (Logan) these past 2+ years that we decided to do it again! We recently had another boy (Sawyer) and now things have really gotten interesting. More love, more stress and more laughter than ever before and it just keeps keep getting better.

Raising two kids is challenging. Fun and wonderful, but it’s a test. I’ve chronicled everything I’ve learned about having kids so far and thought I was becoming an expert. Then we had another child. Now I feel like an amateur again. Two steps forward, twenty steps back. So here is my latest entry about what I’ve learned now that we have two of them…

- I’ve learned that everything you learned with the first one you forget by the second one. It’s amazing how little you remember in just a couple of years from one baby to the next. Having a baby is like studying for a big test in school. You fill your mind with everything you need to know so you get an A but when that test is over you purge it all. I was never a good test taker. Hopefully I’ll be a better dad.

- Now that I have two kids I think I can say this: parents with only child aren’t even really parents yet. Not to diminish what the rookies go through, because having even one kid is hard. But it’s nothing compared to two. When we had one we were playing in the minor leagues and now we’ve been called up to the “big show.”

- Having a second baby reminds me of the line in “Godfather 3” when Michael Corleone says “Every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in!” With both parenthood and the mafia, you’re in it for life. Only with parenthood I’m guessing there are fewer whackings and not as many velour track suits.

- We are so much more relaxed as parents with the second one. We don’t freak out with every noise or cry, there’s no sign on the door that says “baby sleeping”, we don’t sterilize every item he touches or make everyone who touches him be sanitized and there are definitely not as many pictures or videos. Hell, he doesn’t even have his own room! Sawyer is sleeping in a bassinet in our closet and looks so much like his older brother we decided to just make copies of Logan’s pictures and tell everyone it’s the new baby. Did I say we were relaxed or lax?

- We were finally getting into a groove with Logan when Sawyer arrived. Life was just becoming normalized and then it all changes again. It’s like a game of “Chutes & Ladders” when you’re climbing and climbing, winning the game and then you roll the dice and have to slide all the way back to the beginning and start the whole game over again. Only in our game there’s a lot more crying and spitting-up.

- Our eldest, Logan, is now 2 ½ and just swoons over his baby brother Sawyer. He loves his new baby brother and tries to express it however he can. Logan wants to hug him and kiss him, touch him and poke him, pull on him, stroke him, head-butt him and be all up in his grill. When the baby is crying Logan will shove a pacifier in his mouth, usually upside down, and say “He’s fine mommy!” If he’s laying there Logan will cover him completely with a blanket thinking he’s cold. And when Sawyer is screaming his butt off Logan will tell us “He’s okay, he doesn’t need you. Pick me up!” Ahhhh, the seeds of brotherly love.

- People have asked me if having two kids is twice as hard as having one. No. It’s more like 10 times harder! Maybe even 11! You’re already exhausted, stressed out and time constrained from the first one and now there are two of them! The first still requires 100% of your time and energy and I’ve never been one to give 110 percent! I can’t imagine how people do three or more? The Huxtables always made having lots of kids look so fun and easy with their hilarious skits and delightful lip-synched songs. I guess it’s easy when dad is a doctor, mom is a lawyer and it’s a TV show that’s not real.

- I’m sick of all the stress and pressure surrounding breastfeeding. I understand that it’s preferred by doctors, better for the baby, blah blah blah. But not all women can do it. And it doesn’t work for all babies either. Some kids just suck at sucking! Our new boy Sawyer was one of them. He sucked at sucking and that made it suck for my wife which in turn made my life suckier. Now that we’ve switched him to formula our life, and our son, doesn’t suck that badly anymore.

- There is no baby shower for the second baby. Did you know that? I didn’t. It seems I have to buy everything myself for baby two instead of having everyone I know buy it for me like last time. I think it’s very inconsiderate to make me buy all the necessities of life for my own child. It’s called common courtesy people!

- After I had the first baby I thought it but never said it. Now that I have two I’ll just come out and say it. Babies are lucky God made them cute because newborns aren’t that great. They’re needy, cry all the time, eat every minute, poop something fierce and bring nothing to the table. They’re moochers, freeloaders and takers, not givers. Anyone who says they absolutely love the first three months is a liar. I love my son very much and that love grows by the day, but right now he offers me nothing. When he smiles at me for a reason other than passing gas I’ll change my view.

- We know a couple about to be first time parents and they’re adamant about using environmentally friendly diapers. Silly newbies. “Green” diapers are very expensive, need an outer covering so the diaper doesn’t leak, require a special stick used to flush the diaper down the toilet and disposing of them is a 5 step process that takes twenty minutes. We’ll see how long those parents stay “eco-friendly” when trying to change a screaming baby’s smelly diaper while half asleep at 1am…then 3am…then 5am…then 7am. It’s hard to be earth conscious while unconscious. Earth day may be every day, but a newborn poops every hour of every day. I give her “earth friendly” diapers less than a week before she could care less about the planet and more about sleep.

- Going from one child to two is a tough transition. One kid requires you and your spouse to play a zone defense. When you have two kids you need to go man to man. More difficult to master, more tiring and there are less scoring opportunities (if you know what I mean.) But defense wins championships right?

- Looking at other new parents’ baby registries now is hilarious! Oh, the money they waste buying crap they’ll never use. I wish I could warn them that the expensive pacifiers, top of the line Euro strollers, designer diaper bags and couture baby clothes are a colossal waste of money. $25 for a pacifier they’ll lose in a day? $200 for a diaper bag that will be covered in poop residue and cracker crumbs after a week? Couture clothes that will be stained with pee and spit up the first time they wear them? Please! With baby two we’re using a grocery bag as a diaper bag, his pacifier is his fingers and his clothes look strangely like his older brother’s. Come to think of it, if Sawyer was born a girl we’d have probably still put him in Logan’s duds.

- You’re supposed to give the older child a gift from the new baby so they don’t feel neglected or forgotten. What? Friends and family have also been giving Logan, our first, a gift whenever they bring a gift over for the new baby. Huh? Why does he get all these gifts for doing nothing at all? Even my wife got gifts from me, her friends and our family. Where’s my gift? Everyone around here is getting gifts except me! I’ve been the most neglected one in the house and got nuttin’! I guess a new baby and great family is a gift, but I’d rather have the gift of a brand new golf club.

- Our new boy Sawyer was recently diagnosed with a milk allergy. So now we have to give him soy formula. The kid is only two months old and he’s already a hippie! He’s also been wearing sandals, playing hacky-sack and selling beaded necklaces at street fairs. And if that’s not enough his nursery reeks like patchouli.

- We have a lot of strollers. I don’t know why we do, but we do. One for Logan and another for Sawyer, an umbrella stroller, a double wide for the two of them to share, a stroller for when we travel or go shopping, one for Emily’s car and another for mine, a sporty one for jogging and a fancy carriage for when we go to banquets or balls. We have two kids and seven strollers yet we never exercise, rarely travel, hate shopping, don’t go anywhere classy and when we do go out we always forget to bring a stroller anyway.

- I have no usable back seat in my car. With two car seats, tons of books, a million toys, the snacks, the cups, the random clothes and the myriad of random kids’ crap the back seat of my car looks like I robbed Babies R Us. But at least we don’t ever have to drive our friends when my wife and I get to go out. (Which is never anyway.)

- Our oldest is not potty trained yet so we have two little boys in diapers. We’re changing diapers all day and night. We’ve been peed on more times than a fire hydrant. We’ve seen a lot of poops. Big boy poops and little baby poops. Smelly ones and really smelly ones. One poops, two poops, red poops, blue poops. It’s a lot of diaper changing. The worst is when you’re watching two kids by yourself and both poop at the same time. It’s tough. Now that’s double-doody! I can’t wait until both boys are potty trained. By the time that happens I’ll be the one wearing diapers.

- Every so often, when the moon is in the 7th house and Jupiter is aligned with Mars, both boys will nap at the same time. This is bliss. A little slice of heaven in a sometimes hellish day. Quiet…ahhhh…then the phone rings five times, UPS delivers a package and the landscaping people are outside mowing the lawn and yelling in Spanish. All that finally ends, you close your eyes for a minute and then you hear “Mommy, Daddy, I’m awake now!” Irony is a real a-hole sometimes.

- When I was young I wanted it all. Money, women, nice cars and more. Now I only want one thing in life. Not gold and riches, a million friends or to live forever. I don’t want fame or fortune. With two infants in the house, I just want quiet. Silence. That’s all. Maybe a nap too.

I thought I was knowledgeable when I had one and that I’d learned a lot about being a dad. But having two kids will humble you, shake up your reality again and make you realize that what you really do know could fit in a baby’s fist and that there is still much to learn. So very much.

I may not know it all, but I love being a dad and wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love watching my boys together. What have I learned so far? That seeing your kids loving each other is the best feeling there is. See what I mean?

Back To School With the Lazari

2008-09-29T16:58:00.005-07:00

Well, the summer’s now over and fall has officially fell. Except here in Tucson where it’s always summer. It was a great summer of fun days, family trips and new babies for us Lazari, but now it’s back to business and back to school…or in our case, off to school for the first time for Logan.

Logan is going 3 days a week to a wonderful Jewish pre school where he’s learning about Shabbat, saying the prayers and how to guilt anyone into anything. The kids play all the time, eat snacks, read books, do projects, sing songs, nap and exchange boogers all day long. Typical pre-school curriculum. Every morning Logan gets up and is excited about going. And every day he cries when we drop him off. And every day he’s fine after 5 minutes. I don’t get it? I’m the one paying 5 grand a year so he can play with cars and blocks and toys all day! I’m the one that should be crying every morning, not him.

Attached are some photos from his first days of school, our Fall so far and a few images of our new son Sawyer. Here’s hoping your back to school went well, your fall is falling into place and, for the Jews, that your high holy days are both sweet and savory.

ENJOY THE PIX!

Logan and his new lunchbox. He loves this thing! It could be filled with angry bees and he wouldn’t care. He clutched this thing tight to his chest like the President holding launch codes. He walked into his classroom like a Brinks armed security guard and wouldn’t let his lunchbox out of his sight all day. I don’t think he realized that there was actually food inside until the teachers opened it for him at noon! Then he really loved the lunchbox because it was filled with delicious snacks…and not bees!

Story time at school. Logan already knows all his letters (upper AND lower case baby!) and kept interrupting the teacher as she tried to teach the other kids their letters. He eventually got so annoying they had to knock him unconscious with a judo chop because he wouldn’t stop. That last part isn’t true, but he does know all his letters. Now if he could only learn not to poop in his pants we’d be all set. P is for Potty! (FYI – in case you were wondering, that is not a real Tiger in the picture as live jungle cats in the classroom would not be safe for toddlers.)

School’s lets out at 12:30 and it’s finally time to unwind! This is when Logan forgets the every day stress of life like “I fell on the playground”, “my crayon broke”, “I spilled my juice” or “Why are there no more Cheerios?” After school is a time to grab some shades, poop in your pants and just chillax (which the kids today tell me means chill out and relax combined.)

Taking a bath after a long and very dirty day of school. If I could fill the bathtub with a combination of bleach, lye and Windex I would just to get that pre-school funk off of him. Pre-school is great but it’s like a giant bouillabaisse of kids’ coughing, drooling, spitting, pooping, painting, peeing, snacking, spilling and tushy picking. Every day when Logan gets home he’s covered in shmutz like Pig Pen from the Peanuts comic strip. He’s stained from head to toe and carrying several viruses, but he has the best time ever. He even has the flu now to prove it!

Logan playing “superhero” after the bath. He loves to wear this towel like a cape and run and jump around naked for awhile posing and pretending to fly. I get it. It’s a cool game. I do it too after I shower. If you notice, I covered up his “hoo-ha” with some CGI expert PhotoShopping so Logan wouldn’t get mad at me for putting his shmeckle online for the world to see and so I wouldn’t be arrested for child pornography. The last thing I need is Chris Hansen and Dateline NBC walking into my office again. It’s just embarrassing.

Bathed, fed and ready for bed. Here is Logan and his new baby brother Sawyer posin’ in their PJ’s ready for sleep time. No funny caption here but I do think it’s amusing how we describe this time in our house as “putting them to sleep” or “putting the kids down.” It always sounds like euthanasia or that we’re planning to take them behind the shed like Old Yeller and put them out of their misery. I never noticed how creepy it sounds until now but that’s what we say in the Lazarus household. And if there’s anyone in the house that needs to be “put down” it’s me. I need the rest.

SATURDAY!!!!! No school for Logan today! Instead of waking us up early for school, on weekends he wakes us up early so he can get into our bed and watch his TV shows. He likes “Meet the Press” and “Tucson Business Week” but usually settles for “The Backyardigans” and “The Wonder Pets.” We usually let him snuggle up next to us in bed and watch his shows for the next 6-8 hours so Em and I can get some much needed sleep. Give him a large box of cereal to eat all day and maybe some iced tea to sip on and he’s good. Other than the occasional “I’m hungry”, “My diaper is leaking” or “My eyes hurt from watching so much TV” he’s usually pretty quiet. I love Saturdays!

This is Sawyer at about 6 weeks. He’s either sleeping, concentrating really hard or very worried about something. Regardless what he’s doing here he is most definitely also pooping. He does that all day and night long.

Sawyer just relaxing in the warm cocoon of Daddy’s unnecessarily hairy legs. This is one of 3 pictures we have of Sawyer (out of 236) where his eyes are open. They are beautiful, deep blue eyes but you wouldn’t know it because he sleeps like a coma victim and when he’s not sleeping he’s screaming and his eyes are closed then too. Cute kid for a baby, huh?

Logan wants to be just like me I guess. Poor, poor kid. Here he is walking in daddy’s shoes, or my flip flops in this case. If he really wants to be like me though he’d want to watch football and not Dora the Explorer, he’d want to drink beer instead of strawberry milk, he’d listen to rap music instead of Raffi and he’d want to sleep late and not keep waking up at 6am every day!

This is when pre-school goes old-school. I love this picture! Logan rocking his B-Boys shirt while his little friend Cammeron sports the Run-DMC onesie. By the time these kids will be old enough to enjoy these bands it’ll be considered “oldies” music. The Beastie Boys will be the Beastie Senior Citizens and Run-DMC will be WalkWithACane-DMC. (Get it? They won’t be able to RUN any more?) Okay, that was bad. Not bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good!!!

More from the Laztastic 4 soon. Until next time!!!

All our love,
Adam, Emily, Logan & Sawyer

Lazarus Summer Vacation 2008

2008-09-04T09:24:00.009-07:00

Friends and family,

What a fun summer for the Laz clan! A weekend getaway to Chicago, a family reunion in Hawaii, a trip to NY for a wedding, barbecues, the beach and, oh yeah, a new baby! It has been quite the summer and we wanted to share some pix with you now that the summer is “officially” over. The photos, as usual, are mostly of Logan because Emily never wants to be on film (I think she’s in the mafia!), I’m just plain ugly and Sawyer’s only been around a few weeks. Logan’s the ham anyway! So enjoy these photos of the Lazarus Summer Vacation 2008 – and what a summer it was!

Here are the photos:

Logan and his daddy horsing around in the NY summer sun! (Note: two seconds after this photo was taken Logan violently elbowed me in the groin so hard that I thought I would never smile again.)

Lazarus family, early summer 2008. Before baby #2…back when sleep meant 7 hours in a row every night, showers were daily and smiles were natural and not forced. Or as I like to call them, the good ol’ days of summer!

Logan, the art-IST, painting with his nana. He got more paint on his arms than on the paper and looked like a smurf when he was done, but what fun it was. I think Picasso got started the same way…by standing on a chair in his diaper throwing paint all over himself and the canvas. This was the start of Logan’s “Blue Period.”

Ahoy paloy! This is one of my favorite pictures ever of Logan! I love it. Taken on our friends’ (the Philbins) boat in Chicago, Logan looks like a model in a J. Crew ad - complete with polo hat, madras shorts and topsider shoes. After this photo was taken Logan checked his stock portfolio, played tennis with Muffy Vandersnoot, met an old Yale friend for brunch and went to a chic gallery opening in Cape Cod. Very cosmopolitan!

Photo two taken from the deck of the Philbins’ boat on the Chicago River – right after Logan’s croquet match with a Senator and a wine tasting with his Nantucket cronies. Nothing funny about the photo really but I do wish I wasn’t wearing a shirt that said “Kill All the Golfers” when I run a golf business and then decide to forward that photo to hundreds of people.

Logan getting ready for the Tour De Chicago. It was his first time ever on a bike and my first time riding one in years. After 1 mile I was out of breath and thought I was going to pass away, my pant leg got all dirty from “bike chain grease” and Logan almost threw up four times from the bouncing. But man did we have a blast riding through the parks, zoo and paths of Chicago! My kind of town!

Logan and Daddy on the 50th go-round of the helicopter ride at a theme park in Long Island. Suggested maximum weight of the old squeaky ride? 150 pounds. What does daddy weigh? A lot more than that. But look at the smile on Logan’s face? The shrieks and groans from the strained, failing motor weren’t loud enough to drown out his squeals of delight! Weeeeeeeeee!

This is what happens to Logan when he doesn’t finish his broccoli. Barbaric perhaps, but the boy needs his roughage. Besides, a little corporal punishment never hurt anyone.

Big guy and little guy. Guess who’s who? (Give up? I’m the big guy.) Yes, as a dad you wear funny looking shirts if it makes your kid happy. He called me “big guy” all day and that was worth the humiliation of the people staring at me at the mall. Come to think of it, maybe they weren’t staring at me because of the shirt but because I wasn’t wearing any pants! Ohhhhhhhh!

Logan “Small Blind” Lazarus perfecting his poker skills at an underground $1,000 buy-in no-limit toddler game in the back of a Tucson speakeasy. He won the under 3 years old division and now has a spot at the World Series of Poker this fall. Check him out at PokerBabies.net

Mommy and Gilligan, I mean Logan, in the pool aboard the ship “Pride of America” in Hawaii. Followed by Logan and I building a sand castle in Maui. I know what you’re thinking, but no, that’s not a beached manatee…that’s me!

Logan figuring out the life jacket during the ship’s drill. Logan still wanted to wear his hours after the drill was over and refused to take it off. Either he’s a really cautious kid, he loves bright orange or he just likes the way smelly reflective vinyl makes him feel inside? Whatever his reasoning it was cute as hell.

White night on board the Hawaiian cruise. Everyone wears white. Good idea right? WRONG! It was also pasta with marinara night at the restaurant we went to and when you’re sitting next to a messy 2 year old who wipes his hands and face on daddy, it sucks. It should’ve been called “white with red sauce stains all over” night. That would have been more accurate.

Luau night in Kauai! We all got dressed up in our finest island clothes and watched half-naked women shake their hips while half-naked dudes spun sticks on fire just inches from their relatively exposed genitalia. All while eating a pig. Logan thought it was the greatest thing he’s ever seen…and he’s seen The Wiggles live!

Our island boy! Man, Logan LOVED Hawaii. (Who wouldn’t?) He said aloha to anyone that would listen, loved the beach and the sun and didn’t even mind the 9 hour flight there! What a trooper. He sat through tours and long car rides and lengthy meals and never complained once. He never whined. He complains so little that sometimes we’re convinced he’s not really Jewish.

Logan and his mommy. Nothing funny here, just a good photo of two of my favorite people ever (not including Brett Favre and the guy who invented air-conditioning.)

And the last (and greatest) highlight of Summer 2008? Welcoming another beautiful baby boy - Sawyer! He cries a lot, doesn’t sleep at all and is making mommy and daddy crazy. But Logan loves him more than we could ever have imagined (for now) and that makes this past summer the best one ever.

Want more Logan? Click here for a bonus video and watch Logan and I playing guitar together singing the original song “1,2,3” written by Logan himself! CLICK ON THE FOLLOWING LINK to see and hear this unreleased hit in the making: http://s67.photobucket.com/albums/h315/yaz98/?action=view&current=MVI_2652.flv

We hope your summer was a ton of fun too! Stay tuned for more family updates from the Lazari clan including bath time hijinks, first day of school follies, fun with friends and photos of Logan wearing white after Labor Day. Love you all and have a great start to the fall!

The Lazari

Sawyer's First Photos

2008-08-07T12:32:00.005-07:00

It’s been a crazy few days since Sawyer’s birth. A lot of crying, spitting up and whining…and that was just me after I got the hospital bill! HI-YO! But I finally had 10 minutes in between feedings and work and family nuttiness to upload some of the pictures of his first hours and days. It’s the standard new baby photos but I excluded the gross ones of him covered in “delivery slime” and any of people crying. Your welcome. And no I don’t have any with his eyes open, or doing anything cool or in funny shirts just yet. It’s been 4 days people…cut me some slack.

But seriously, thank you all for your calls, cards, visits, gifts, flowers and dinners…we are very blessed to be surrounded by people as wonderful as you all. Sawyer is a lucky kid to be joining this great circle of friends and family.

Enjoy the photos. As soon as I have a free moment I’ll send more pix, commentary and maybe even a Logan update…so that should be around 2023. I should have 15 minutes of free time around then.

Here they are:

The man of the hour. Sawyer Charles Lazarus at 5 minutes old. What’s weird though is he actually came out with those bracelets already on. Doctor said it was a first.

See the resemblance? My wrist looks just like his head…covered in hair! Is he my kid or what? Poor little guy, he has no idea what awaits him.

Safe and warm in Mommy’s arms instead of her uterus.

Here he is at 30 minutes old…my how he’s grown since 25 minutes earlier!

Proud papa with son #2 and man do I look terrible! But you’d look like that too if you saw what I saw. Those who’ve been in the “delivery trenches” know what I mean. Some of the things you see and hear just shouldn’t be seen and heard. War may be hell but seeing a baby delivered is pretty damn close.

Cleaned, fed and relaxed after his 12 minute trip down the birth canal.

Logan’s first look at his new baby brother and his bigger family. We had to bribe him with cake for him to smile here. (By the way, there was no cake…SUCKA!)

Logan testing why they call it the “soft spot”.

The little Lazarus boys leaving the hospital. And what a ride it was! Nothing but car seats, crying and complaining for 30 minutes…just magical.

Daddy double duty on the first day at home. Entertaining two at once is harder than it looks. I mean look at me! I look like a meth head! Just awful. That’s what no sleep in 96 hours does to a person. And this was a couple of days ago…imagine how bad I look now. I’m making myself sick just typing about it.

The new and improved Lazarus family…now a complete foursome!

Welcome to the World Sawyer!

2008-08-07T12:29:00.002-07:00

Friends and family,

I am very excited to announce that there is another life in our world! Baby Laz #2 is officially in da house!

Emily had contractions all weekend and was finally induced last night. She pushed for only 12 minutes, fast and furious, and then Sunday at 6:36pm we welcomed another wonderful member into our family! And after 9 months of not finding out what was it? A beautiful baby………BOY!!!

He weighed in at 7 lbs. 13 oz and is a length of 19 inches (20 with the hair) so I guess that means he fights in the super-light-flyweight baby boxing division. But what’s his name? We went the “celebrity” route and named him Google Shasta Moonroof Lazarus. We thought it’d be cool. Actually, his name is Sawyer. Sawyer Charles Lazarus - honoring both our grandmothers and my grandfather. He is gorgeous, calm and most importantly, he’s healthy!

Mommy is exhausted, still looks great and did an amazing job. Daddy is excited, fatigued and can’t believe we’re doing this sh*t again! Logan is happy but could care less right now as long as Sawyer doesn’t play with his cars. Actually, he seems excited but confused. When he saw Sawyer breastfeeding he said “The baby is eating mommy!” Funny stuff. It’s a world changer for all involved. The best kind.

Thank you all for your calls, well wishes and your love and support. We’ll talk to you all soon!

Adam, Emily, Logan and Sawyer

The Wiggles!

2008-07-23T09:58:00.007-07:00

That’s right – The Wiggles came to Tucson and we went to see them LIVE! (You’re jealous, I know.)

Those of you who are parents definitely know who The Wiggles are. It’s mandatory if you’re a parent. You may not like them, but every mom and dad knows about these Aussie nutjobs and their special blend of blinding primary colored costumes, weird characters and inane but catchy 1 minute ditty’s about everyday things like going to the beach, drinking milk and wearing a hat on your head.

For those of you who aren’t parents, these guys are like The Beatles for 2 year olds. They are the golden gods of toddler rock. The “it” group for the 2 – 4 year old circuit. The Wiggles are basically kiddy crack. They fill arenas from Australia to Arizona, are classically trained musicians who now sing songs about inanimate objects and, by the way, they’re also billionaires! They have hundreds of CDs and DVDs, sell all sorts of toys and books and even have their own theme park, that’s right, a theme park in Australia. They are the hot thing in children’s music right now...and Logan adores them. No, he’s addicted to them.

Recently, The Wiggles came to Tucson. Of course I bought tickets for me, Emily and Logan and our good friends the Crowleys who have a very cute daughter named Charlotte – Logan’s best friend. And being me, I bought the best seats they offered! $50 a seat to see these four Aussie’s perform their hits like “Where’s Jeff?”, “Hoop-Dee-Doo”, “Food Food Food” (which is about food) and my personal favorite, “Come On Let’s Jump” though I’m not sure what that one is about exactly. I spent more for The Wiggles live then when I went to see U2, but it was worth it. We were 10 rows away from The Wiggles and their merry cast of weird characters like Wags the Dog, Dorothy the Dinosaur, Henry the Octopus and everyone’s favorite fruity pirate, Captain Feathersword.

The kids sang and danced the entire time, the parents laughed and took a thousand photos all the while lamenting how expensive it was and The Wiggles put on one incredible show. There were no lasers, smoke machines or fireworks but there were giant inflatable castles, oversized fruit, sparkly costumes and odd dance routines performed by gay Australian backup dancers. Oh, and I spent over $100 on Wiggles merchandise too that Logan either lost, stained or destroyed in the car ride home that night.

But it was so much fun! We all had a great time, especially the kids. Here are the photos from our intimate evening with The Wiggles.

__________________________________________________________________

This photo was taken before the show. Nothing funny about the photo, it was just cute to see Logan ecstatic about seeing his favorite band. (And he may or may not be pooping from sheer excitement here.)

Here they are…The Wiggles! And that thing next to them is their “Big Red Car.” It goes toot-toot-chugga-chugga. It’s a crowd favorite! When they sang “Big Red Car” the place went nuts. Mothers were fainting, fathers were yelling, toddlers were throwing their pampers onstage. Kids scream and cry and wet their pants when The Wiggles are doing their stuff. Granted they’d do that anyway, but it’s even worse when there’s a wiggly party going on.

Allow me introduce you to The Wiggles: driving the big red car is Sam, he wears yellow and is the leader of this gang of middle aged morons. He replaced the old leader Greg after a bitter power struggle that left three dancers and a pirate dead, and the gang in complete disarray. Sam then stabbed Greg in an alleyway after a show, right in his wiggly face, and has been driving the big red car ever since. The guy in blue is Anthony – he has an eating disorder and is known as the “funny” one. He’s my favorite because he doesn’t take this gig too seriously (how could you?) and I think he’s Jewish. The guy in red behind him is Murray, he plays guitar and looks like a skeleton with a wig on. He’s a weird guy and he freaks me out every time I see him. Next to him in the back wearing purple is Jeff. He’s the only Asian wiggle and is a narcoleptic that also disappears constantly and the others have to search for him. They wrote 5 songs about it. Unbelievable, huh? These four merry jackasses are richer then Sultans, are syndicated in 150 countries and are more popular than Santa Claus. And their biggest song is a 2 minute ode to fruit salad! I have a Masters Degree and sell golf online. Where did I go wrong?

Check out the look on his face when Logan first saw The Wiggles live and up close. Emily was entranced. Logan was stunned and scared. He definitely pooped his pants after seeing them. His expression stayed exactly the same for an hour. It must be freaky for a 2 year old to see characters from TV that are usually 10 inches tall now 10 feet away from them. I understand how TV’s work and it still freaks me out. Definitely worth $50 for the ticket and whatever it’ll cost for his therapy sessions to see this expression.

I’d be freaked out and have a stunned look too if I saw this guy up in my grill! This is Murray. He’s Logan’s favorite. And he is U-G-L-Y UGLY! But this guy is a multi-millionaire!

Believe it or not…this guy is ALSO a multi-millionaire! Yup, the guy dressed like Wags the f’ing dog makes millions a year! I’m definitely in the wrong business.

Logan getting down and getting funky as The Wiggles rock the tots of Tucson, AZ! He danced, he clapped, he fell down four times, he cried, he got back up and kept dancing. That’s my boy!

Another photo of the infamous big red car. They drive this thing all around the stage and everyone goes crazy. But doesn’t it look eerily similar to the Kennedy assassination film? Look closely at Jeff, the guy in the purple. I think he just got sniped! The similarities between Jeff Wiggle and John F. Kennedy are too close to overlook…both were in convertibles, both were in the backseat with someone named Murray, both were Philippino and both were wearing a bright purple shirt when they were shot. It's fact. Uncanny, huh?

Logan and I stage front. It was nuts! People pushing and shoving, infants getting trampled, mosh pits everywhere and tons of security yanking exhausted fans out of harms way. No, I’m kidding. It was just me, some fat dad with a polka dotted hat and a little Mexican girl eating cotton candy. But it did smell a little like urine and weed in the front row just like any concert. Personally, I think Henry the Octopus was high and then peed in his costume but we’ll never know.

It was fun seeing Logan and his good friend Charlotte doing one of the dozen or so animal-dance themed songs the Wiggles sing. I think this is either “The Monkey Dance” or maybe it was the tiger dance? Or the bear dance? Or was it the one about a cow? Aw, who gives a crap! Look at the joy in these kids’ faces as they move like an emu moves! How cute are these two?

This is the cast doing the robot. Yes, the robot. My favorite dance of all time. Very retro and very cool. Granted it was a big purple octopus, a polka-dotted dinosaur, a freaky dog and a dork in a yellow sweater doing this dance. And it was being done to a song called “Romp Bomp-a-Stomp” which makes it very UNcool and tarnishes it as my favorite dance anymore, but it was still funny to see a bunch of millionaire mascots doing the robot in unison to kids songs.

Me, Logan and Charlotte had a great time getting down to a Captain Feathersword solo. That look on my face is not because I’m getting yanked around by a 3 year old, it’s because Captain Feathersword’s voice is as bad as his name. Although the kiddies loved “Captain’s Magic Buttons”, my face says it all. As I was dancing around to this song I ran into a couple of dads I know from town and I was a little embarrassed about being “caught” enjoying a Wiggles concert. But then I thought, “hey, you chumps are here too! And one of you is wearing an eye patch and an ascot like the Captain and the other is dressed like the blue Wiggle.” And then I felt better about myself…I was only dancing, not dressed like one of the cast members.

$300, one hour, zero costume changes and 93 songs later the “epic” show ended. This was the grand finale! It was killer! There were leg kicks, arm waves, finger points and even a cartwheel or two! I’ve been to hundreds of concerts in my lifetime and have never seen a final performance like The Wiggles put on. I mean leg kicks? No one does those anymore. Very underrated move. There was even finger snapping too and lots of twisting, clapping and waving. Eat your heart out Pink Floyd!

Our family photo taken after the show. Logan had a blast which meant that we also had fun. His first rock show was a huge hit! First show, The Wiggles. Next show…maybe Metallica? Megadeth? Sesame Street Live? Kanye West? Raffi? Who knows!?! All I know was this one was an hour long and we had Logan in bed by 8pm. I was asleep by 9. THAT IS SO ROCK AND ROLL!!!!!!

Seeing Logan this happy was well worth the money, the stress, the smells, the shrills and the humiliation of being photographed dancing at a Wiggles concert and emailing it to everyone I know. I’d rather be photographed doing drugs or with a hooker – at least that ups my street cred whereas a photo of me at a Wiggles completely destroys any street cred I may have had. But it does up my dad cred a little! And even though we spent a bunch of money and Logan won’t remember a damn thing about any of it, photos like this make it all worth it!

Authors note: by the time you read this, Logan will no longer be into The Wiggles and will have moved on to other hellish, miserable kids’ shows like Dora the Explorer and Wonder Pets. God help me if “Dora Live” comes to Tucson! I would rather get run over by the big red car. Stay tuned for more fun and photos in the ongoling chronicles of Logan Lazarus!!!

Easter Poem

2008-03-21T11:49:00.000-07:00

“Have A Happy Easter” by Adam Lazarus

Have a happy Easter,
To my friends that aren't Jews.
May your eggs be painted
In bright yellows, greens and blues.

May your friends and family
All gather 'round in love.
While you're hunting Easter eggs
May no one push or shove.

May your Sunday feast includeA tasty, juicy ham.
Or other things you Christians eat
Like wild game and Spam.

May Jesus bless and keep you,
(Or whatever Jesus does.)
And may Good Friday be the best
Damn day there ever was.

May a rabbit bring you stuff
Like candy coated sweets.
And if you're stuck in Church all day
May padding line the seats.

May your day be filled with joy,
With prayer, with eggs, with fun.
And like that gimp from Christmas said,
"God bless us, every one!"

Happy St. Patty's Day!

2008-03-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

(Try reading this poem in your best Irish accent. It makes it a lot funnier, even if your accent stinks!)

“St. Patty’s Day” by Adam O’Lazarus

Everyone is Irish!
For today’s St. Patty’s Day!
So have a bowl of “Lucky Charms” and join the IRA.

Drink a shot of whiskey,
Or a pint of Guinness stout.
Eat a baked potato with a side of salted trout.

Rent a Liam Neeson movie.
Learn to “Riverdance.”
Wear a kilt to work today instead of wearing pants.

Watch a Boston Celtics game.
Riot in the streets.
Read some Irish poetry by William Butler Yeats.

Listen to your “U2” albums.
Play your “House of Pain.”
Look upon the English both with loathing and disdain.

Pick a four leaf clover.
Find a leprechaun.
Kiss someone who’s Irish (only if their pin is on.)

Tell your friend a limerick.
Start a soccer fight.
Don’t say words like “ass or “shit”, instead say “arse” and “shite.”

Learn to play the bagpipes.
Swim in Keltic lochs.
Wear your lucky plastic derby covered in shamrocks.

Sing “ta-LOO-ra-LOO-ra,”Or a verse from “Danny Boy.”
Call yourself Fitzpatrick or O’Malley or Malloy.

Everyone is Irish,
On this blessed holiday!
(And after twenty lagers it won’t matter anyway.)

No one cares where you are from,
Or what you like to do.
If you’re a fan of getting drunk St. Patty’s is for you.

So grab a beer. Wear some green.
And eat delicious scones.
But if you hate St. Patty’s Day then kiss my blarney stones!

Yippie-Chai-Yay!

2008-03-21T11:25:00.007-07:00

Here are some funny photos of Lasso Logan straight from the deserts of the Wild, Wild West! As you all know we live in the southwest. Home of gunslingers and barroom legends… stagecoaches and banditos…Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday…and, of course, little allergic Jewish boys dressed like the Lone Ranger.

Why was Logan dressed like this, you ask? Well, everyone who lives in Arizona MUST dress like a cowboy for a day at least once a year. It’s the law. Blame John McCain.

So enjoy moseyin’ through these dang-blasted good-time photos you ornery varmints!

They call him Lasso Logan, the rootinest, tootinest, shootinest, poopinest cowboy to ever ride the range!

Hey, there’s somethin’ over yonder! Is it an injun? An outlaw? No…it’s just some hairy hombre called dada. HANG ‘EM!

Okay you pesky tenderfoot….on the count of ten…DRAW! I have crayons, markers, pencils…we can draw with anything you want!

Ohhhh, ya got me! I think I’ve been hit, I can feel it runnin’ down my leg…wait, I ain’t been shot…I just pooped my chaps.

After a few too many milks at the local saloon. (Slow down there greenhorn…get yer wits about ya!)

This little doggie is tired and is waiting for the chuck wagon to bring him some real cowboy food…a juice box and some Cheerios.

Lasso Logan lookin’ out to the horizon. What’s out there over yonder? Gold mines? Trains to rob? Elmo? The Wiggles?

Every cowboy loves his mama, and Lasso Logan is no different. Ain’t she a pretty one! YEEEE-HAW!

Lasso Logan - The happiest cowboy to ever ride the range. Yippee-chai-yay! (It’s what the Jewish cowboys say!)

Until he rides again…

What I’ve Learned In the First 2 Years...

2008-02-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

Just two short years ago I was a guy who knew nothing about parenting and like all dads before me was thrust into parenthood and forced to survive. My wife and I had to learn everything on our own. We didn’t know what to do, who to ask or what to expect – but we’ve survived! And our son Logan has thrived in the process.

Logan turns two this month! Wow, how the past two years have flown by. It seems like yesterday when we brought Logan home and I started writing about what I had learned on this crazy, stressful, wonderfully hilarious ride called parenthood. Babies have that affect on life. I read somewhere that “a baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten and the future worth living for." Truer words have never been spoken. After two years it feels like I still don’t know much, but here’s more of what I have learned…

Kids playing peek-a-boo actually believe that they’re invisible. When I play peek-a-boo with my son and say “Where’s Logan? Where could he be?” he’ll be standing right in front of me covering his eyes yet fully believes I can’t see him at all! And it’s not just Logan, every toddler believes it. They really do think they’re transparent. Next time I’m getting reamed out by my boss I think I may try it and see what happens.

Baby toys drive me absolutely bonkers. There’s a little baby toy that’s been stuck under the driver’s seat of my car for months. Every 30 seconds, without fail, the toy says “blue square” or “red circle.” And every bump it squeals out “yellow” or “amarillo” (yes, the toy knows Spanish) over and over and then plays some annoying tune that has been seared into my memory forever like a bad TV jingle you can’t forget. Long car rides suck. Hell, two minute drives suck. I’ve searched for this rogue toy everywhere, have injured my forearm digging for it and even sprayed water under my seat with the hopes of dousing the battery, yet nothing works. Until I buy a new car I’m destined to listen to this toy spit out shapes and colors in two languages every half mile. Even more often if it’s bumpy.

Logan can say tons of words and phrases now and is learning at an incredible rate. What’s funny is that certain words he says sound exactly like curse words. It’s hilarious. When he says “fork”, “shirt”, “beach”, and “clock” you’d think you were listening to George Carlin and not a two year old. I think it’s forking hysterical. It’s very funny shirt.

I love my wife more than life and would never do anything to jeopardize my marriage. But let’s be honest people, walking through a mall with a cute baby is such a great way to meet chicks! I wish I knew this back when I was a bachelor. Ladies go crazy for Logan! When it comes to attracting pretty girls, babies are way better than puppies. If you’re a single guy reading this, listen up. Forget the dog, the sports car or the expensive new suit and go get yourself a cute little two year old instead. I have one for rent if you’re interested. You can lease Logan for only $200 a day. $150 if you feed him.

Emily and I are forever cleaning up after our son. It’s a never ending process. Logan plays all day long and absolutely destroys our house. We clean it up and 10 minutes later he completely ransacks it again. It’s like living with a Viking. We’ve given up trying to keep it tidy. We’re just shoveling snow during a snow storm. I came home from work the other day and called the cops because I thought our house had been burglarized. You know it’s getting bad when your kids mess is mistaken for a home invasion.

We recently found out that Logan is allergic to all kinds of nuts which means Emily and I are now nuts about nuts. We read every label. We ask twenty questions at every restaurant. We’ve become freaks about keeping our house nut free. No peanut butter. No Thai food. No macadamia crusted mahi-mahi. No pecan pie. No elephants as pets. Nothing cooked with, near or around nuts at all. It sucks because I love nuts! They’re delicious! Why did it have to be nuts? Why can’t Logan be allergic to anchovies? I hate those.

Logan doesn’t like being held that much anymore. He loves to walk. So I walk after him. Wherever he goes, I go. I stay a few feet back, follow him everywhere and when there’s trouble I swoop in to hurry him away. Come to think of it, I’m more of a Secret Service agent then his dad, only with fewer assassination attempts.

I think it’s funny when your wife goes shopping for “baby snacks” and buys good stuff like Ritz Bits, fruit, cookies, crackers and chips all “for the baby” but you eat it all yourself. My wife will yell, “How can you eat all of his snacks?” The real question is “Why do you keep buying delicious snacks that I too love, woman?” Buy him snacks like olives, black licorice, sauerkraut or fat-free energy bars and I’ll never, ever touch them. But continue to buy him tasty cheese crackers or scrumptious cookies and it’s him versus me…survival of the fittest!

Like all toddlers, Logan is a schmutz magnet. He attracts every stain, crumb, dirt, mess and spill within 50 yards of him. I could strip him naked, spray him with Scotchgard and stick him in a sterile “clean room” like the ones in science labs and the boy would still come out covered in grape juice, cookie crumbs and ink from magic markers.

Our home is officially on lock down. “Baby-proofing” a house basically turns it into a prison or mental institution for toddlers. There are gates everywhere, safety locks, padding on sharp corners, outlet covers, latches, bolts and fasteners on drawers and cupboards and barbed wire around our home’s perimeter. All he needs is a straitjacket and instead of raising a two-year old we’d be harboring a criminally insane prisoner. Meanwhile, Logan can easily open any of the supposedly “baby-proofed” doors in our house in seconds yet it takes me 20 minutes to navigate my stairwell. In our asylum the inmate is definitely running the show.

2 year olds love to say the word “poop.” Logan says it and giggles every time. I say it and he giggles every time. Anyone else says it and we both giggle every time. Seems that 32 year olds also love to say the word “poop.”

I love giving my two year old son a bath! We sing and yell, play with boats and submarines, everything gets soaked and I even get to give him crazy bath time hairdos (my favorite part.) We do faux-hawks, punk spikes, middle-aged com-bovers, slicked back Mafioso cuts, pigtails (once) and my very favorite the Doc Brown from the “Back to the Future” movies. I take photos of every hairstyle for use one day in his wedding slideshow. Naked baby + funny hairdo = embarrassed son at wedding. That’s an equation for hilarity!

I have a huge teepee set up in my living room. Apparently toddlers love teepees. Who knew? I bought this thing at Target for $20 and it’s Logan’s favorite new hang out. He’s in there all the time with his toys, reading books, eating snacks and playing poker. Dads, get your kid a teepee. They have a blast and you may even win some cash off them in a late night game of toddler teepee “Hold ‘Em”.

Our boy loves to dance! I mean loves it. (Like father like son.) We have a “Dance Party” every night at our house…kids drink free…milk, of course. Logan does all his famous moves like the “Jump In Place”, the “Arm Wave”, the very similar “Arm Flail”, the related “Arm and Leg Thrash” and, of course, the “Robot” (which is basically a combination of all the previous arm-related dances.) He’s also good at the ever-popular “Spin Until You Fall Into the Blocks and Cry” that the kids are doing nowadays. It’s all the rage at the disco techs. Calling what Logan does “dancing” may be a stretch, but no one on “Dancing With the Stars” ever had as much fun as him. I guarantee no on that show ever did any cool moves while rocking a stinky poopy diaper…except for maybe Jerry Rice.

Please can be an awful word. When toddlers don’t know to say please you try very hard to teach it to them. You make sure they know to use it every time they ask for something. Then they learn it. And say it over and over and over and over. The worst part is now they expect to get whatever they want just because they’ve said please. He asks so cute and I feel bad denying him, but there is no way I’m giving my son a steak knife or plastic bag to play with just because he asked politely! If he wants to play with dangerous items like that then he needs to add a “pretty, pretty please with gum drops and sprinkles on top.” I’m a sucker for gum drops.

Logan is learning numbers and letters which is both fun and frustrating. Fun because he can count to twenty, recognizes the letters of his own name and knows the alphabet song. Frustrating because when I need him to remember a phone number or email address for me he never recalls any of the numbers or letters when I ask him. I keep telling him, 1125AAAA5VSSS followed by the word “Elmo” over and over is not a real phone number, but he doesn’t get it. Frustrating, huh?

Like most infants, our boy loves his blanket! He calls his branka. Don’t kids give their security blankets the weirdest names? I’ve heard them called blankees, woobies, bubbas, doodees, meemos, beebos, dodos and even broccolis. Isn’t there one single baby blanket out there named Karl?

Coming home from a long day of work and having your child race to the door, arms open wide with a smile on his face hurrying to give you a hug is one of the best feelings there is. Watching him stop a foot away from hugging you sidetracked by a shiny magnet on the refrigerator feels good too I suppose. He may not make it to me every time, but when he does, it’s everything.

We just had a baby like two years ago and people never stop asking us when we’re having another baby! Are you kidding? Leave me alone already. What do you want from us? When you buy a new house or get a new car people don’t say, “that’s great…when are you buying another one?” My last name ain’t Osmond people! We’ll have number two when I damn well say! Or when my wife tells me it’s time. By the way, it’s time…we’re expecting baby number two this summer. (Don’t even think about mentioning baby number three.)

See, I’ve learned a lot. But the most important thing I’ve learned is that Emily and I are blessed with a really good kid…one of the great ones in fact. Sure, like any two year old he can occasionally be a real pain in the ass. We get the temper tantrums, the crying for no reason, the throwing things, the biting and hitting, the saying “mine” at everything and we even get the threatening letters and nasty phone calls from his attorney. He’s like an ex-wife! But I’ve also learned that all that crap doesn’t matter once your kid flashes you one of those fantastic smiles. I mean how can you ever really get angry at something this cute?

Halloween 2007

2007-11-05T15:52:00.000-07:00

All,

Hope you had a great Halloween! With any luck all your houses were egg free, your costumes were original and your candy was razor blade free! And hopefully no one gave you pennies or apples or other lame treats – it’s about the candy people!

Logan had a GREAT Halloween – we all did! We went pumpkin picking, went to a very fun Halloween party (thanks Lebers!) and went trick or treating for the very first time! What a wonderful and surreal experience that was – taking your own child trick or treating for the first time is very, very cool. “Inspecting” a.k.a eating) all his candy was also very cool…and very delicious!

The images below are from October, sorry there are so many. Hope you all had a great time with your family and friends and we’ll see most of you soon for Thanksgiving.

Pumpkin Picking

Pumpkin picking was pretty pleasurable! We went out to a pasture, picked our own perfect, personal pumpkin and purchased it promptly! (That was a lot of P’s in that sentence so I apologize profusely.) Logan had a great time…for like 10 minutes. After that he wanted a juice box and some shade, but we still had fun that day.

This is Logan actually selecting the perfect pumpkin! He spent a lot of time searching for just the right one. Not too tall, not too fat and not too covered in the weird wild fungus that made the pumpkins “more orange” but also made them smell like a chemical toilet. It took some time but he eventually found the perfect pumpkin. Then he pointed and Emily and I picked. We made quite the pumpkin picking party!

You know, I had never seen a wild pumpkin before; I’d only seen domesticated pumpkins in the store so seeing pumpkins in their natural habitat was a treat! The first photo is of me wrestling a wild pumpkin to the ground. Most don’t know that pumpkins running free in the wild tend to be very shifty and rather aggressive. But once you corral one, extracting the untamed pumpkin from the dirt isn’t too difficult. The secret to outsmarting and capturing a wild pumpkin? Loppers! Big, sharp scissors that even out the playing field and make the pumpkins know who the boss is!

Logan loved riding in the wheelbarrow more then pumpkin picking, but who doesn’t love riding in wheelbarrows? I rode in a few wheelbarrows just this past weekend just because I love it so much! So? He also seemed to enjoy touching all the pumpkins, squashes and zucchinis. Why I don’t know, he’s just got a thing for gourds I guess.

The last photo is of the Lazari family sitting on a huge pumpkin in the middle of a dusty field somewhere in rural Arizona. See how happy we look? What you don’t see is the thorny stem of the gigantic pumpkin jabbing into my back causing extreme lumbar discomfort and temporary loss of vision – guess those wild pumpkins did get their revenge after all!

A boy and his pumpkin! Or as Logan called it, his pum-pa.

Halloween 2007

Logan dressed up this Halloween as an octopus. Can’t you tell? Look at the pure, unadulterated joy in this kid’s face from being dressed like this. Hellooooooo therapy sessions!

Logan was an octopus and Emily and I were deep sea fishermen. Do you see the connection? Me neither. Anyway, no “fat” comments about me being pregnant in this photo or eating too many candy corns either…this picture makes me look very fat, I get it. But yellow is a fattening color on me not to mention the heavy rubber suit that added a few, or 30, pounds to my gut. I look like I ate the Gorton’s Fisherman! But it’s an optical illusion not fat whaler-looking Adam, I promise.

Isn’t he just the cutest little cephalopod you’ve ever seen? I think he’s eight times cuter then normal! Especially with his pants rolled up like LL Cool J or something. He’s a hip-hop-ock!

These photos are from Logan actually trick or treating. Riding in his wagon from house to house (with the help of his good friend Charlotte), walking up to the door with mommy to get some candy, then walking back to the wagon after a successful outing. Quite honestly, Logan couldn’t care less about the candy OR the costume OR the fact that it was Halloween – he was just thrilled that he got to knock on peoples’ doors and say “hi, hi, hi” and wave to everyone who came to the door. He’s very polite but completely disinterested in this holiday.

So that was our Halloween! Hope you liked it. I learned a lot this past month. I learned that wild pumpkins, like stallions, can not be tamed easily. I learned that all that matters to a 20 month old on Halloween is getting to ride in a wagon and playing with a flashlight. I learned that houses who put a bowl of candy out front with a sign that says “please take only one” make a huge mistake when I’m around (please take one whole BOWL maybe!). I learned that an infant in a warm, full body costume made of velour in 90 degree Arizona evenings with a diaper full of candy based diarrhea is NOT a treat at all, it’s a mean trick to play on daddy. And most importantly, I learned that I look morbidly obese in thick yellow rubber suits.

Have a great November and I’ll email you soon with more photos from Logan’s world!

Working Stiff

2007-10-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

All,

Hope you had a great summer! Now that the summer’s over we’re all back to work…even Logan! He has been working his little butt off around our house and I wanted you all to see what he’s up to.

It started innocently enough, with Logan rearranging our Tupperware, bowls and the like. He was having fun and chores were being done around the house. And then suddenly inspiration hit me! If he likes doing this kind of stuff so much maybe I could find some other work for him to do. What could be better? He works for ‘Nilla Wafers, loves boring jobs and although he does sort of a half-ass job, it still beats me having to do it!

Look at what other menial tasks he can do:

He helps load, change and fold our laundry! I’m missing 75% of my socks, my clothes are all pink and all my stuff smells a little off – but while he’s doing our laundry I can use that time to watch football and eat pie. It’s a win-win!

He sweeps the floor! He hasn’t quite mastered the dust pan yet and most dirt just ends up getting moved around, but again, it’s less work for me to do. Step 1 is the broom, then the mop and finally the tooth brush to get in-between the grout. And I know what you’re thinking, whose toothbrush will he use to clean the grout. The answer…Emily’s.

Logan even does heavy lifting! He pushed a stroller filled with our bags through three terminals on our last trip! While most other kids are IN their stroller, ours is behind it pushing 70 lbs. of crap…and loving every minute of it. Later that day he also helped the janitor clean the airport bathroom and even worked at Auntie Anne’s pretzels for an hour or so rolling dough. He really liked working at the airport. Perhaps he’s found his calling?

Here he is about to clean the entire house from top to bottom. All his supplies are here from the bleach to the vinegar to the windex – everything an 18 month old should be handling. I know, I know, he shouldn’t be touching any of this stuff – but the house ain’t gonna clean itself and just using paper towels dipped in water doesn’t get that streak free shine that Emily and I like so much. Don’t worry, he knows that ammonia is for scrubbin’, not for drinkin’. He’s a smart kid.

Yes, that’s right – he even does automotive repair! He fixed a flat tire for me and has even changed my oil on occasion. I don’t even know how to do that, but he does. I’ll tell ya, the stuff they teach these kids on that Baby Einstein is fantastic, or was it Baby Meineke? Whatever it was it’s entertaining, educational and practical too! People always talk about how they don’t have a good mechanic. For me that problem is solved. I mean, Logan’s not a good mechanic at all – but a car doesn’t need to “work correctly” or “be safe” – it just needs to look shiny and have tinted windows. At least that’s my motto.

Raking cement. You see, we start on cement and then move to leaves. One must walk before they can run. You can see the pure joy in Logan’s face from the raking. He loves to rake, what can I tell ya! He was not a fan, however, of the hoeing, tilling, tining, seeding, weeding, pruning, fertilizing or aerating that we had him do. All the blisters and bug bites and dirt, he was not a fan. There was another aspect of gardening that he did enjoy though…

Watering! He sure does like to water the plants, although as you can see by the picture he’s not all that good at it, but he’s working on being a better pourer. It’s hot out here in the desert, so watering plants is a very important job. We help Logan understand it by not giving him any water until the plants have had some first. That’s how you teach respect for both mother nature and for botanical science. A healthy respect for botany and insatiable thirst should be every parent’s wish for their child.

Yard work too? Yes indeed! We trained him on the toy mower but will be moving him to the real deal in a few weeks once he gets the feel for it. Nothing builds an infant’s character more then mowing lawns all day long. Every baby should be exposed to lawnmowers at a young age, I think. It has a certain allure. The whir of razor sharp blades spinning at 100 mph, the smell of gasoline in the morning sun and pushing a 50 lb. noise machine with exposed wires and sharp edges makes them really appreciate a simple puzzle or stuffed animal, believe you me. I wouldn’t let him touch the edger or weed whacker though, much too dangerous.

The Chinese have it all figured out. No, not the lead paint on toys thing (although that is a GREAT way to get rid of your excess lead), no I’m talking about child labor! They’ve known for centuries that kids, though small and rather uncoordinated, can still work long hours doing arduous tasks for no pay. Just blow some bubbles and give them some candy and they’ll do all your work for you. It’s the perfect system. Thank you Nike for making this all possible. I can’t wait until Emily and I have a bunch more kids, not because of the joys of a big family, but because soon I won’t have to lift a finger ever! And that will be glorious.

Have a great weekend!

What the Heck Is Labor Day?

2007-09-05T10:58:00.000-07:00

“What the Heck Is Labor Day?” by Adam Lazarus

Labor Day, oh Labor Day,
What'sit celebratin’ anyway?
Does someone know? Cause I’m not sure,
Just what this holiday is for.

Who does this day venerate?
What does it commemorate?
What is Labor Day about?
This one I can't figure out.

Is it for the bosses?
Or a tired employee?
Members of some union?
For socialized industry?

Does it honor pregnant women?
Men who work the land?
Labor Day, oh Labor Day,
I just don’t understand.

Mothers Day is easy.
Even Arbor Day I get.
But what the heck is Labor Day?
I haven’t learned that yet.

All I know is banks are closed.
Schools are all closed too.
No one works on Labor Day,
It’s too good to be true!

Labor Day’s a mystery.
Who knows why it’s there?
But if it means a whole day off,
Then I don’t really care.

The Summer of Logan

2007-07-27T10:22:00.000-07:00

To all those we love (and you too Shapiro),

Here are some random pictures from the past few months of Logan’s growing up. He’s now 17 months old or 1 yr. 5 months or 517 days old, depending on how you like to interpret age. Many milestones have happened these past few months like buying his first pair of real shoes, his first speeding ticket, his first haircut, swim lessons, his first shave and the 4th of July. (Because there is so much in this email the much anticipated battle with his arch nemesis, ice cream, will have to wait until an email next week.)

Sorry it’s been so long sending new pictures to all of you but we’ve been real busy with work, summer trips, our car washing fundraisers on the weekends, NRA meetings, training for the Goodwill Games, our organic smoothie business, getting Logan ready for college and everything else we’re doing. We live such a hectic life!

Logan is as funny as ever, has been growing like a weed and just wants to go, go, go all the time! He can walk fairly well without stumbling, a talent I have yet to master, and his vocabulary is much more extensive now and consists of new and random words like flower, apple, gator, bird, water, flag and Starbucks. (The kid loves his lattes, what are you gonna do?) He can show people where his belly button is, can point out all the features on his face, gives hugs and kisses and can even throw and kick a ball – all at the same time! He’s quite talented.

Anyway, enjoy some snapshots of our little boy!

We’ll start with a photo of Logan mugging for the camera – of course there is food on his face! 80% of the photos we take of him he has food on his face. The kid loves to eat and I love to photograph it. So? Wanna make something of it?

Logan getting fitted for his first pair of sneakers. So he wouldn’t get made fun of at Gymboree we, of course, had to buy him the latest athletic shoe technology. The astro-fit, spring loaded, comfort sole, air gel insert, Velcro fastened easy grip, baby cross trainers from Stride Rite (with the cleaning fluid they upsell you so they don’t scuff.) For $40 these shoes better make Logan able to dunk a basketball, run 10 second 100 yard dash or at least not fall every 5 steps. (Note: Logan tripped and fell at least 10 times before leaving the store!)

Logan getting fitted for his 2nd pair of shoes – the French Canadian tourist sandals complete with tube socks, fanny pack and Polaroid camera. Thanks to these damn sandals he now loves hockey, guzzles syrup and is in favor of socialized medicine. You can see the look on his face that he wasn’t so keen about the sandals either. He actually asked us “what’s this aboot, eh?”

Logan in his Easter duds! Nothing screams “resurrection” like pastel seersucker patchwork pants and a white polo! We’re Jews, what the hell do we know about dressing for Easter?!? (Note: Photo 3 is him realizing that his parents dressed him in pastel seersucker patchwork pants.)

The next series is of Logan’s first haircut! I wanted the 1986 feathered look with the words “2 Hype” shaved into the back of his head and Emily wanted something more retro like a Mohawk or rat tail, so this is what we settled on…

Just kidding of course…although the “Flock of Seagulls” look was cool and does work for Logan, we went with something a little more conservative…

Here are some random photos of Logan pondering about life or pooping (not sure), kissing his mommy, riding his hog and drinking from a real cup for the first time…

This next series is of Logan stopping to smell the flowers, or flaw-wahs, as he calls them. This is the perfect illustration of pure happiness. (And for those who noticed that he is again dressed in seersucker, this time coveralls, keep the “Colonel Sanders” or “gay toddler” comments to yourself.) It’s a breathable and versatile summer fabric and he likes the way it feels against his infant skin. Don’t make a federal case about it! (He’s got several outfits in gingham too if you really care!)

This next series is of Logan’s recent swim lessons. He absolutely loves the water! We splash him, he smiles. We throw him, he laughs. We dunk him, he claps. Then he vomits up gallons of pure chlorinated water he’s swallowed from all the dunking, throwing and splashing and we have to swish around the water quickly so no one sees the puke, leave the shallow area immediately and then blame it on the little kid swimming near us. And then we do it all again in another area of the pool. Logan’s like a fish…a little fish that swallows too much water, throws up and then claps. It’s a very rare fish.

The last series is of July 4th. We all went swimming with our good friends the Crowleys, ate BBQ and fruit salad (yummy yummy) and then went to see a rock and roll show. It was such a fun day. Logan loved the music and was dancing the entire time. Then we read a book and he fell asleep 5 minutes before the fireworks started. What a lightweight! One cool thing was that the band we saw, Lifehouse, happened to see Logan before the show and told him they loved his cool Vans sneakers to which he replied “Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!” and stole their set list for that night’s show. Then this teenage groupie (who knew Lifehouse had groupies) ran up to me and said “OH MY GOD YOUR SON JUST MET LIFEHOUSE! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!” True story. That’s rock and roll for ya!

So that’s PLENTY for now. That was like 3 emails worth of pictures in one, so hopefully that will be enough until the ice cream battle email which I’ll send VERY soon – I promise. Hope you enjoyed the pix and may all of you live your life like Logan does – smiling at everyone, getting food all over your face, running wherever you go, pooping in your pants, stopping to smell the flowers and clapping excitedly for every little thing you achieve. What a great way to live, huh?

We can learn a lot from babies.

We miss and love you all.

The Lazari
Adam, Emily and Logan

The Lazari
Adam, Emily and Logan

What I've learned...BONUS FATHER'S DAY EDITION!

2007-06-14T10:58:00.000-07:00

Dads, Moms, Friends, Family and more,

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

To celebrate Father’s Day I’m sending out a BONUS EDITION of the surprisingly popular “What I’ve Learned” series to celebrate 15 months of me being a dad. Even though it’s only been short time since the last installment, believe me, I’ve learned so much more since then and child services have only been called twice! I still have much to discover but the last year and change has been a crash course in patience, time management, humor, budgeting, prioritization, communication and selflessness. It’s been hard but man oh man is it fun. And with a wife as great as Emily it’s been a real cool adventure.

Ernest Hemingway once said "To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.” Funny, but I couldn’t disagree more. Being a successful dad is all about being involved. I have loved every second of Logan’s infancy and I know all the other dad’s would agree with me that there is NOTHING cooler then your child giving you a hug, a high five or just having their little hand wrapped around your finger while taking a walk. That’s what I’ve learned, along with all the following…

- It’s hard to raise a child when I still feel like one myself. Logan and I are 30 years apart and enjoy the same things. We both dance to the same bad rap songs and both wear funny t-shirts. My favorite foods are macaroni and cheese, chicken fingers and watermelon, so are his. Logan burps, I smile. Logan farts, I laugh. He enjoys being naked as do I. He pees in his pants regularly, me too. Emily, god bless her, must feel like she’s raising two little boys some days.

- Babies who’ve just learned to walk look exactly like drunken midgets. Not only are they stumbling and bumping into things but with the drooling, the falling down and the nonsensical mumbling they may as well be holding a beer too.

- Babies constantly need to be entertained. I’m always making up silly songs with impromptu melodies and lyrics for small tasks like wiping his face, putting on his shoes and buckling his car seat. Some of these ditties include “putting on your shoes, putting on your shoes, everybody wears them, except for kangaroos” or “take a little nappy, so you don’t feel crappy, when you wake in two hours you’ll be happy, happy, HAPPY!”

- When your wife’s been with a cranky baby all day and she’s tired, stressed out and overwhelmed and then you walk in from playing a long round of golf it’s not really a good idea to tell her you’re going to take a shower then catch a quick nap.

- Grandparents, although wonderfully loving and incredibly kind, don’t ever abide by any of your parenting rules at all. They pretend to listen to what you tell them and then simply do it their own way. They never follow your nap schedule, don’t listen to any food or drink no-no’s and spoil the baby all the time. Then when your baby is overtired, full of sugar and has been coddled and held all day they give them back to you and go home.

- Sometimes when our son is in a bad mood, which doesn’t happen that often, my wife and I will make up funny nicknames for him to make the situation better. I recommend this to all parents, it’s just fun. Some of our favorites nicknames for Logan when he’s irritable are Dr. Whiny McCrabbypants, Forrest Grump, Admiral Van Grouchenstein, Professor Cranky Sourpuss III or my personal favorite, Moany de la Groany from Arizony.

- Logan just had his first haircut, a very big deal in a child’s life. Apparently the tradition is to keep some of your baby’s hair for posterity, a job that my wife Emily put me in charge of. Not knowing any better I just grabbed a clump of hair from off the floor after his haircut without realizing that many other people had also gotten their hair cut that day. So now my wife’s scrapbook has a few strands of Logan’s blonde locks along with the hair of two Mexican kids, a Chinese girl, some punk teenager and an eighty-year-old woman named Madge. Shhh, don’t tell Emily.

- Our boy says hi to everybody. I mean everybody! We go shopping and all you hear is this smiling little boy saying “hi, hi, hi, hi, hi” to every person he sees for hours. People love him and he loves people and he’ll say hi to anyone who walks by. He’s so good at it that they offered him a job at Wal-Mart as a greeter and is now working 4 days a week. Its way better then day care as it comes with full benefits and a cool blue vest. Child labor, child shmabor.

- Baby TV shows are just awful. All have bad titles like The Wiggles or Doodlebops, weird characters named Captain Feathersword, Twinkle or Mr. Noodle and the “intricate” plots usually involve something stupid like finding a ball, going to the store or eating lunch. Real deep stuff. Come to think of it, those shows are probably still more complex and better written than 90% of primetime television.

- When you take a toddler out to eat at a restaurant you had better be a big tipper. Forget 15%, the gratuity ratio I use is “the worse the mess, the higher the tip.” By the time our son’s done eating he looks like the loser of a high-school food fight. There’s food everywhere! On him, on us, all over the floor, strewn about the table and even on the elderly gentleman’s back sitting at the next table. The last time we ate out I tipped almost 70% and had to buy that old guy next to us an appetizer. Dinner at Chili’s shouldn’t ever cost $94 for three people. We’re eating in from now on.

- Babies sometimes get hurt, it’s a fact. It’s how you react to them getting hurt that is the difference between whether they freak out crying or not. I haven’t perfected the art of reacting yet. I’ve found that softly and soothingly repeating “you’re okay, yes you are, you’re fine” after he crushes his tiny, bloody fingers in a cabinet door does not calm him. But neither does yelling “Oh my God! Why Lord, whyyyyyyyyy? We’re all gonna die!” when he barely bumps his head. I need to work on that.

- Our daily life revolves around Logan’s nap schedule. Regular naps make for happy babies and happy parents. We live for his nap. In those precious few hours Logan is napping my wife and I can each shower, do laundry, eat, pay bills, rest, clean up the house and more. We can get days worth of stuff done in that short time. But when he doesn’t nap? Well, it’s not good. We get nothing done at all; we’re dirty, clothing-less, hungry, money owing zombies living in filth. It’s truly amazing what a nap can do.

- We live in Arizona so putting sunscreen on our son is very important. Everyone tells me how vital is: our pediatrician, my wife, my mother, my mother in law, my pediatrician’s mother in law. I was so worried that our son would get burnt that the fist time I applied it I used almost the whole bottle of lotion. When I was done “applying the sunscreen liberally” as directed, the poor kid looked like a shiny white marble lawn statue or some sort of oily albino baby. Not only was he blocking harmful UV rays, he was also waterproof, bulletproof and visible from space. Now I just let him swim in a shirt and hat and leave sunscreen application to the experts.

- Don’t let your babies run around naked for too long. We sometimes let Logan run around nude before bath time – he goes crazy and we think it’s funny because, like all boys, he loves not wearing any pants. However there’s nothing funny about having to clean up little piles of poop on your new carpet from a crazed, diaper-less baby. What is funny though is seeing your wife unknowingly step in it.

- Toddlers like to steal things and then hide them. And they’re really good at it too. Our little kleptomaniac has taken and hidden my cell phone, Emily’s keys, our garage door opener, important mail, cutlery, the TV remote, large bills out of my wallet and even jewelry. We literally have to comb our house every evening to find our missing stuff. We’ve discovered our things underneath the couch, in plants, in the garbage and even stuffed underneath his mattress. I’ve asked for a metal detector for Father’s Day just so I can find my watch. Knowing Logan, he’s probably already fenced it on eBay.

- For parents, finding a good babysitter is one of the most important things you can do. It’s a cutthroat, secretive and ruthless competition amongst parents as every couple is looking for the perfect babysitter. Hell, I would kill my best friend to steal his babysitter if she was reliable, trustworthy and had her own transportation. Our current babysitter is so good that if she asked for six figures a year and a new car I’d probably say yes. Thank god though she only requires $10.00 an hour and an occasional bag of microwave popcorn.

- Giving a baby a carbonated beverage is hilarious! The face they make is priceless and looks like they ate a lemon mixed with poop, yet they just can’t get enough! Logan drank some Sprite recently and actually put his hands in his mouth and began furiously scrubbing his tongue to get it out – then he said “More!”

- Communicating with a 15 month old is hard. Parrots have bigger vocabularies then toddlers. Logan makes no sense at all. Up means up but it also means down. Hot is hot but it’s also cold. Mama is mama but so is any other person he sees. Dog sounds like duck and milk sounds like more. I’m sure it’s frustrating for him as well, but I’m the one who has to figure out if he wants me to “pick up the cold milk” or “duck down the hot more” or maybe even “pick up the hot mama.” I love my son and his learning to speak, but sometimes it’s like talking to an autistic caveman.

- Licking Cheerios and sticking them all over on your face like you have chicken pox, then having your child pick them off one by one and eat them makes everyone laugh, except mommy.

So that’s what else I’ve learned. I’ve learned a lot, huh? Imagine what I’ll know by the time Logan turns 2!

Happy Father’s Day to all my fellow dads out there! Stay strong my brothers – our day is near! (Actually it’s this Sunday. FATHER’S OF THE WORLD, UNITE!)

Adam

Logan vs. The Spaghetti

2007-06-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

Friends, family and fans of watching Logan eat…

Our ongoing series of Logan versus various food items has proven very popular, so without further ado I present the much anticipated battle between Logan and spaghetti with marina sauce.

We proudly present “The Spaghetti Incident” starring Logan Lazarus, as the messy boy, and co-starring spaghetti, as himself.

Act 1: Logan has tasted the delicious Italian favorite and just wants to manja, manja, manja!!!

Act 2: After eating several mouthfuls of pasta Logan now becomes a real Italian bambino and throws his arms up yelling “Ayyyyy!” and talking with his hands.

Now he’s a real paisono! He thinks he’s from Sicily or something and even kisses his hand with a real Italiano “Bon Appetito!” All he needs is a velour sweat suit, a horn charm on a gold chain and a Cadillac blasting Vic Damone songs and he could be in a Scorcese movie.

Act 3: Close-ups on Logan’s face: notice the sauce smothered to the left side of his face matting down his hair, the chunks of tomato and spaghetti on his fingers and in his nose and the fact that, like idiots, his parents forgot to remove his shirt which of course was covered in Ragu.

Act 4: Still hungry for more like Sopranos fans after last night’s finale, we’ve refilled Logan’s bowl with more saucy spaghetti and this time removed his shirt, though way too late. He dives right in, literally, and eats like he’s going to the chair the next day!

Logan versus the spaghetti was quite a sight to behold. Somewhat disgusting yet completely messy and fun to watch, Logan destroys his spaghetti in this showdown and proves once again why he can beat any food, any time and any place – as long as it’s not peanuts, raw fish or too spicy.

After the battle Logan gives a look of confidence, cockiness and a little conceit.

LOGAN 1, SPAGHETTI 0. That brings Logan’s total to 4-0. So far avocado, watermelon, Oreos and now spaghetti have been no match for him!

Is there ANY food out there that can beat him? I’m not sure, he’s pretty good. Logan is a true modern day gastronomical gladiator. But the next food item has already stepped up to try! What food is it you ask? What tasty treat will Logan battle next? I scream for it, you scream for it, hell we all scream for it…its ICE CREAM!

That’s right, delicious ice cream. Can Logan defeat this cold killer, this icy assassin, this frozen foe? Stay tuned to find out as the Logan vs. Food fight rages on…

Thanks for watching and stay tuned for the next big battle coming soon to an email account near you – LOGAN vs. THE ICE CREAM!

Love,
Adam, Emily and Logan

A guy walks into a bar...

2007-04-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

The following is a short list of some my favorite bar jokes. I love a good "guy walks into a bar" joke so if you have any good ones then send them to me. Nothing corny either, although now that I'm a dad I do need a few corny "dad" jokes in my repertoire. Hope these make you smile!

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A five-dollar bill walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get outta here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar!"

A man walks into a bar on the moon and orders a drink. The bartender asks him, “So, what do you think of my bar?” The man replies, “The drinks are great but this place has no atmosphere.”

A termite goes into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?

Two men walk into a bar, which is odd because you’d think the second guy would’ve seen it there.

A Dyslexic man walks into a bra…

Two guys, Alexander and Ivan, walked into a bar and the bartender asked “How are you?” Alexander said “Great!” and Ivan said “Terrible!”

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender. The seal replies, "Anything but a Canadian Club!"

A blind man with a Seeing Eye dog walks into a bar. The blind man picksup the dog and starts swinging it around. The bartender asks, "What are you doing?" The man replies, "Just looking around."

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve yourkind in here!” The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fun-guy.”

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, “I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You know, we have a drink named after you?” The grasshopper says, “Really? You have a drink named Steve?”

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

An Irish guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to him, "Hey, you know you've got a steering wheel down your pants?" The Irish guy replies "Aye, I know. It’s been driving me nuts all day!"

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Can I please have a gin.......and……..tonic?" The bartender replies, "Yeah sure, but what's with the big paws?"

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?”The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry,but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

Logan vs. The Oreo Cookie

2007-04-12T21:39:00.000-07:00

Fight fans,

This is the latest installment of the LOGAN vs. FOOD fight series. First we watched Logan battle an evil avocado and devour it! Then in the second bout Logan conquered a malevolent watermelon with barely a scratch on him. Now it’s time for fight number three!

And now for our main event - LOGAN VS. THE OREO COOKIE!

Introducing our champion, wearing the polka dotted bib weighing in at 25 lbs, from Tucson, AZ - Logan “The Green Eyed Bandit” Lazarus!

And the challenger, wearing the blue wrapper and weighing in at less than an ounce, from Nabisco - The Oreo Cookie!

Let’s get ready to CRUMMMBBBLLLLLE!?!

Logan’s first bite of the greatest cookie on God’s green earth - the delicious Oreo.

Logan’s reaction after his first taste of the cream filled chocolaty goodness.

Surprise fills his face as he realizes that he’s not eating green beans or carrots or applesauce or oatmeal this time. No, he is actually eating something that tastes good! COOKIES!

Now that he knows how awesome Oreos are, he begins to shove as much cookie into his mouth as possible

Taking a short break before resuming voracious cookie eating.

Cookie number one has officially been devoured.

Sadness sets in as Logan realizes that his cookie is all gone. Some got in his stomach, some on daddy’s shirt and expensive camera lens but most of it on Logan’s face.

But there’s a surprise! Joy now sets in as he realizes that Mommy has another cookie! WOOHOO!

5 minutes and 7 more cookies later, Logan is satisfied and happily intoxicated by the creamy chocolaty goodness that is the Oreo.

LOGAN 1, OREO COOKIE 0

Winner, LOGAN! And he remains undefeated!

Thanks for watching and stay tuned for the next big battle coming soon to an email account near you – LOGAN vs. THE SPAGHETTI DINNER!

Love,
Adam, Emily and Logan

Photos from Logan's world...

2007-04-11T10:34:00.000-07:00

My people,

It’s been a month since the last Logan email so here are some photos taken since his birthday in February. We have had several milestones since then. Logan now walks…everywhere! He loves to waddle around and eat everything he can get his hands on (whether edible or not) and is quite a funny baby, always making noises, smiling or hamming it up for anyone who will watch. I have no idea who he gets that from.

He also enjoys graham crackers, cheese crumbles, playing with ribbons, ripping magazines, moving things from one place to another and then back again, banging on the computer keyboard, playing with shoes, dancing to The Wiggles and his big yellow stuffed ball that looks like Big Bird’s feathers. He’s a real renaissance kid.

So sit back, relax and prepare to smile as we present our latest installment of Logan photos! This series obviously includes Logan and the following random items in no particular order:

- Matzo
- Sunglasses
- Beret
- Big shoes
- Sippy cup
- Bucket hat
- His dad and mom

Logan in his daddy’s cool old school Adidas shoes that mommy hates and thinks makes daddy look like an old man. But when Logan wears them it’s “awwww, how cute, he looks so cute, how cute is this cutie?” I wear them - idiot. He wears them – Kodak moment. I don’t get it.

Gilligan and the Skipper out for a 3 hour tour.

Logan taking Daddy for a walk. He leads, I follow. He cries, I pick him up. He then smiles, I put him back down. He knows he’s got me trained like a dog. Damn.

This is Logan’s French cousin LaFloure. He’s on a baby exchange program from Paris. Logan went to France for 6 weeks and we got LaFloure. He’s really smart too! Only 14 months old and already understands French! (Just kidding, it’s not LaFloure, just Logan in a beret. Gotcha!)

This is Logan and his beautiful mommy. Notice how much nicer this photo is compared to the next one? It’s because I’m not in it! These two actually look related. Me? I look like a weird uncle or something or maybe a terrorist.

Weird uncle terrorist (with a crazy eye), LaFloure and Emily.

This is Logan’s first day with a sippy cup and straw. Sucking on a straw is a big deal because now he can drink on his own and not rely on us all the time. FINALLY! I was wondering how much longer I was going to have to do everything for him. He’s so needy. Now he can suck up milk and water and cocktails all by himself. MY SON SUCKS, YEAH!

Logan has officially gone Hollywood. He even has those trendy LA big glasses so the prying eyes of the paparazzi can’t find him. He’s more demanding now too - only wanting tepid Evian bottled water in his bathtub, 100% organic chilled milk from humanely treated cows and only plays with hybrid toys that are earth friendly and biodegradable. He doesn’t even call us mommy or daddy anymore; we’re his “agent” and “personal assistant” now.

Logan at Passover eating his first matzo. How does that dry matzo taste son?

Exactly! Interestingly, and completely true, he friggin’ loved gefilte fish! Go figure. 90% of Jews don’t even like that stuff, but our boy Logan loved it! He wasn’t a big fan of the horseradish though. He also loved brisket and matzo balls too. (How do they snip the little balls off the boy matzos though, I wonder?) Yup, Logan’s a real J.I.T. (Jew-In-Training) and we couldn’t be prouder.

Logan playing with a fake, toy matzah (which probably tastes better then real matzah if you ask me.) He had a whole toy seder plate too with toy bitter herbs, plastic shank bone, little toy maror and fake haroseth (sp?) Jewish people understood that sentence and the gentiles probably didn’t understand at least five of those words. That’s ok, since I have no idea what a catechism is or what makes Good Friday so good. So we’re even.

We hope you all had a Happy Easter and Pleasing Passover and that your Spring has been great. We miss you all. Stay tuned for the next photo series called LOGAN VS. THE OREO COOKIE.

Love,

Emily, Adam and Logan (and of course LaFloure)

Logan's 1st Birthday

2007-03-14T10:31:00.000-07:00

Amigos y familia,

If you’re not sick of him yet, here are some photos of Logan from his first birthday on February 23rd. He turned one year old, a big day for him since no one likes being a zero. We had a huge keg party for him with dancing girls, a petting zoo, jumping castle, clowns, magicians and a huge piñata shaped like a giant pacifier. It was awesome! It cost us over $20,000 but we felt a one year old would appreciate it.

Actually, it was just him and a few friends at a park pavilion decorated with cheap balloons. And I use the term “friends” lightly since Logan has no idea who the kids are nor will he remember anything about them or the day. We had some cake, opened some presents, sang “Happy Birthday”, played on the jungle gym and had an all around fun afternoon. At least everyone under the age of 3 had a blast…the parents were exhausted.

Here are some photos from Logan’s 1st Birthday!

This is Logan’s cake. He’s so vain he had to have his image on the cake or he refused to come to the party. I wanted a picture of me, the dad, covering the whole cake as well as Adam masks for everyone to wear, but Logan insisted on a photo of him on the cake instead. What an ego on this kid, huh?

This is Logan enjoying a special cake made just for him with love and care from the baker. AND HE DESTROYED IT! It was so much fun to watch him dig in and tear it up. He loved making a mess. But he also loved the sugar.

10 minutes later…still tearing apart the cake. And he really loved the sugar. This cake was the first real sweet treat he’s ever had and I think he’s addicted to sugar now. It’s awful, Logan’s begging for sugar on the street and was even seen robbing a friend’s crib for stuff he could fence for more of the white stuff. He may need to go to rehab. See further evidence below…

15 minutes later…by now the frosting, icing and pure sucrose is coursing through his 22 lb. frame and he’s officially flying high on the sweet white powder. I mean, look at his messy hair and how fast his hands are moving in this photo! He was like some crazy one year old kung fu cokehead. He was so hyper from this cake that he actually walked home that day carrying his own high chair. It was nuts. We learned a valuable lesson that day, sugar and babies don’t mix, unless it’s in the caramel candy treat called “Sugar Babies” which are delicious.

This is now a Lazarus tradition, the annual “take a picture of Logan getting smoosh kissed by his parents.” We plan on doing this every year on his birthday until he’s married. Embarrassing? A little. But this custom is still better then our original idea of taking a picture of him in the bathtub every year until he’s married. Something tells me he wouldn’t like that idea anymore after puberty.

Despite dozens of birthday presents, beautiful cards and brightly colored wrapping paper and ribbons, all Logan wanted to play with was the balloons. For days all he would do was play with his balloons. He loved those balloons. Morning, noon and night it was all balloons, all the time. Until one popped. Now Logan doesn’t like balloons anymore.

This is a photo of Logan eating macaroni and cheese (which happens to be my favorite food too.) Why is this photo randomly included in this email? No idea, but who doesn’t want to see a picture of a cute baby eating yummy mac and cheese? I know I do.

This is Logan in one of his new birthday outfits. I thought at first that the horizontal stripes would make him look fat, but as you can see by the photo I was dead wrong. They actually make him look older instead. Doesn’t he look 15 months to you? I know, weird huh?

This last photo is of Logan chatting on the phone. He actually does pick up the phone, hold it to his ear and can say “Hi.” It’s his latest funny trick. The problem is now that he can use the phone he’s been ordering all these useless items on QVC. I can understand how he dialed (see photo) but what perplexes me is how he knew the 3 digit security code on the back of my credit card! Who knew that your identity could be stolen by a one year old? Anyway, we’ll see what it is he ordered in 6 – 8 weeks.

That’s all for now, hope you enjoyed the latest image gallery from the Lazari family. Logan is hilarious and so much fun. Emily is working hard and is the best mom ever and I have been loving life lately…work is great, the family rocks and the weather is fantastic. Not to mention the GATORS BABY! Anyway, hope all is well with you and we’ll send more pics soon.

All our love,

Adam, Emily and Logan

What I've learned in the 1st year...

2007-01-10T16:01:00.000-07:00

I can’t believe it, Logan is now almost a year old. February 23rd will be one year! It seems like I fell asleep one night and woke up 12 months later with this little person living with us. 2006 was a blur. You may remember that I made some fun observations after my first few months of being a new dad. Well now it’s been a year (almost) and I would like to add to that with some new observations.

Emily and I have seen and done so much this year and we didn’t even really leave our house. Logan has grown so much, so fast – but so have his mom and I. We are real parents! We are wiser, quicker and tireder. Yes I know tireder isn’t a word but I’m so tired that I don’t care. Here’s more stuff I’ve noticed since the last time I wrote them down:

- Watching a baby feed itself is like watching Muhammad Ali, after drinking five espressos, put lipstick on while riding a horse.

- People with dogs continue to say to me that having a baby is like having a puppy, just a little tougher. Those people are crazy crack-heads. Being a parent is nothing like having a dog! Puppies sleep often, don’t need to be held all day and you can train them to poop outside. I can’t leave a bowl of water in Logan’s crib and then leave for the day. I can’t put an electric collar on my son and then shock him when he crawls too far away. I can’t rub his nose in his own pee and yell “Noooooo!” at him or smack his bum with a rolled up newspaper. Also babies don’t chew your baseboards or your shoes nearly as often as puppies do. Other than the fact that they both look cute in little t-shirts, there is no comparison. Puppies are JV football. Babies are the NFL.

- You’d be surprised as to the places I’ve found Cheerios. There are thousands of them all over our house: in the kitchen drawers, crushed into the carpet, in my wallet, inside the DVD player, in the baby’s diaper, in my car, all over my office, in my underwear (don’t ask) and there are always rogue Cheerios in my bed. It’s like living in a bowl of cereal. Having them in my bed isn’t all bad though because at least I don’t have to get up for a snack in the middle of the night.

- My wife and I now eat on the same schedule as senior citizens. We have lunch at 10:30am so the baby can nap by noon and have dinner at 5pm so he can be in bed by 6:30pm. It’s like we’re old retirees. I do get to take advantage of the early bird specials but hate the fact that I have another thing in common with 90 year olds besides the aroma of moth balls, a love of the Lawrence Welk Show, an affinity for shuffleboard and the need to pee every 25 minutes.

- I’m not sure exactly what goes on at Gymboree and I don’t care. All I know is that it costs me $50 a week and gets my wife and kid out of the house for a couple of hours a day to “shake their sillies out” - so I’m not asking any questions.

- Baby’s first shots are hard to handle. Its gut wrenching. They gave him four consecutive shots in a row in both legs! Its 2007, you’d think the medical community could figure out how to combine all four into one super-shot so babies wouldn’t be in 4x the pain and go nuts 4x as long! But no, they pricked him again and again and again and again. After the first shot Logan was surprised, like something bit him and gave the “What the?” face. The second one he started crying and was like “Hey, that really hurts, please do not do that again.” The third one was “Okay, seriously, that really does not feel good! What is that? Now I’m pissed!” and made him cry so hard he couldn’t breathe. Then came number four which actually made my son curse. No lie, Logan said his first word that day at 7 months old. It was “MOTHERF***ER!!!” Or does that count as two words? Anyway, seeing him get his shots made me very uncomfortable and made Logan a potty mouth, but I guess it’s better than him getting polio right?

- Teething is no fun. The constant crying, the moaning, the nights awake, fevers and all that drooling. And that was just me! Our son Logan was even worse. And FYI, rubbing liquor on the baby’s gums does nothing but make him drunk and belligerent, trust me. The only thing worse than a teething baby is an alcoholic teething baby. And I refuse to drive him back and forth to all those meetings.

- Apparently baby fingernails grow at a very rapid rate and they end up scratching themselves often. The more we cut them the longer and faster they grow! Some days Logan looks like he got in a fight with a puma. He’s like Scarface. He gets scratches on his ears, cheeks, neck, nose and all over his arms. He scrapes the hell out of his mom and me as well. We took a family photo the other day and the photographer actually asked us if the three of us got jumped on the way in to his store. “No, it was not a gang of thugs”, I responded “just our 10 month old son who’d kicked our ass.”

- I have more Raffi songs on my iPod then I do Bob Dylan songs. How sad is that? But now that I’ve listened to both artists I have to be honest, although Dylan’s lyrics are considered genius, it really doesn’t hold a candle to “Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring - banana phone. Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding - danana phone.” I’m telling you, Raffi is a music virtuoso. Dylan who?

- The lack of a good night’s sleep is still awful. People said to us, “you get used to it.” F those people! You do not get used it. My wife and I average 5 hours a night. Humans can’t live on 5 hours of sleep per night! It’s a scientific fact that humans need at least 8 hours and moreover parents need at least 21 hours of sleep per day. I’ll guess I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I am so looking forward to that.

- Babies have a lot of firsts. Some more memorable than others. Some of the good ones are the first smile, first tooth, first time they crawl or stand and their first word. But some not so good ones that they don’t tell you about are baby’s first diarrhea, first diarrhea in the high chair, first diarrhea in the bath and first diarrhea on your new slacks you got for Hanukkah. Other awful firsts include baby’s first temper tantrum in public, first fall off the changing table, first ingesting of non-edible mystery item, first 9 hour airplane flight and first vomit in dad’s mouth while playing Superman with his son.

- Speaking of airplanes…there was a scary movie not to long ago called “Snakes on a Plane” that didn’t do so well in the theaters. But I think a much scarier movie that would be a blockbuster at the box office should be called “Babies on a Plane”. Just a bunch of screaming, crying, smelly, bored, teething, ornery, ear-infected babies sitting in the middle seat in every row on a non-stop flight from LA to NY. Now that’s terror at 30,000 feet! And you could still have Samuel L. Jackson in it too, saying “Why are there so many mother f’ing babies on my mother f’ing plane?!?”

- Our son got a little virus, as many babies do, but what I didn’t know is that a baby’s fever can get to 105 degrees without being considered life threatening. It’s true! What kind of twisted madness is that? Babies are apparently like superheroes. When Logan had 104 degree fever not so long ago I freaked out and was all set to call 911 because to most humans that high fever would be deadly. But not mutants, I mean babies. Logan is like the “Human Torch”. My son can pretty much be in the Fantastic Four! How cool is that? FLAME ON!

- Whoever coined the phrase “to sleep like a baby” to describe a good night's rest is a friggin’ dumb-ass! Sleeping like a baby means you’re up every hour, cry for no reason throughout the night, pee and crap in your pants, toss and turn, scratch your face and wake up at 5:30am screaming. You know who sleeps like a baby? Drug addicts going through withdrawal, that’s who.

- It doesn’t matter how many bright, colorful, noisy, fun toys we buy this boy, he only wants to play with the TV remote control. I even gave him an old remote we don’t use but no, he wants the real one with 100 buttons that I don’t even know what they do. Now we have to watch “Deal or No Deal” letterboxed, black and white and in Spanish because this kid has pressed every button and messed up the remote beyond my ability to fix it. I don’t even like “Deal or No Deal”, in fact I hate it, it’s just that Logan pressed some button combo and now the only channel we get is NBC (in Spanish.)

- I think it’s so funny when a baby has a big booger in his nose, because there is no good way to get it out. Oh, you’ll try many different tactics but nothing works. You’ll try putting your finger up there but you’ll soon realize your finger is way too big for that little nostril. So you may even try his finger, which doesn’t work either – too much flailing. Then a tissue or wet washcloth but that just makes the baby angry and pushes the aforementioned booger even farther in. Q-tips? Straws? Chop-sticks? What do you do? There is no good answer. But I’ll tell you what worked for me. It’s a little secret that I discovered and although it’s frowned upon by child services, most pediatricians and my wife – it gets the job done. You know those cans of compressed air that people use to clean their computer keyboards? Use that. For some reason highly pressurized air shot directly into the nose from a close distance really seams to unclog a babies nasal passage. It can also be used for cleaning ears, drying their tush and styling their hair. Go figure.

- Apparently when a baby can stand while holding on to something own and begins walking along furniture, it’s called cruising. I didn’t know this. So imagine my surprise when Emily told me that our son had started cruising on his own. I was so happy. I figured he’d be at sea for at least a week or two and I would finally get a good night’s sleep! But it turns out that there is no ship, no ocean and no baby going anywhere. He’s simply hanging on to the coffee table now. Big deal.

- Buttoning all those damn buttons on baby clothes is a real pain in my neck. There are at least 25 buttons on every outfit my son owns. They snap around his neck and down his front and around his legs and up his back. Why does a baby’s outfit need so many damn buttons? Yes, some clothes have zippers but the overwhelming majority have those damn snaps and buttons everywhere and I can’t stand it. It takes me 20 minutes to change a diaper because I’m trying helplessly to fasten buttons together while my son is writhing and crying and kicking and flailing on the changing table. And of course they never line up and I end up buttoning his wrist to his ass. It’s a mess. I have one word for all you baby clothes manufacturers - Velcro.

- My son can do all the standard baby tricks now. People love to ooh and ahh about his “gifts” and his mother and grandmother love to go on about how “talented” he is? Are you kidding? I love my son more than life but he’s not that good. He needs practice. He’s like some two-bit lounge entertainer in the Pocono’s or something. Though his act is very cute, the word “talent” is a stretch. He can clap, give a high five, put his hands over his head in the touchdown sign, make a raspberry noise, throw a ball and bang on piano keys. Though I’m not calling Star Search any time soon I may get him an organ grinder and a little hat and vest and see if I can make a few coins on the street corner. Logan is no Sammy Davis Jr. just yet, but he is better than a capuchin monkey.

- (Parents will understand this one.) Who is this guy Zweiback that invented the baby toast? We Jews have made that stuff for ages - its call Mandel Bread. This Joe Zweiback guys comes along, stuffs some biscotti in a bag, slaps a baby picture on the box and sells it to new parents who don’t know any better for $4 a box? What a scam! By the way, you guys should try my new product called Adam’s Apples, its crushed apples smashed into a sauce that babies can eat. Adults can even eat it too with pork chops or potato pancakes. You can even put cinnamon on it and have it for dessert. It’s my very own recipe.

- If you dads out there haven’t made funny sounds or voices through the baby monitor to scare, annoy or amuse your wife then you are missing out on one of the joys of fatherhood. I’ve pretended I was God talking, ordered hamburgers, whispered her name repeatedly, made weird robot noises, acted like I was our son Logan talking to her and even farted and burped into that poor monitor. There is so much fun to be had and is limited only by your creativity. It’s also great when you want her to bring you something from downstairs and you don’t feel like getting up. Try it. You’ll like it.

- It seems that the word “buh” is the catch all word for babies - or at least our son. It’s like aloha or shalom and can mean lots of different things. For him it means food, bottle, ball, refrigerator, up, down, mirror, toy, sleep, bath and of course it also means buh. The problem is that we don’t know which of the aforementioned items he wants when he says buh. Sometimes I’ll give him a ball and he’ll really want to be picked up. So I pick him up and then he’ll say buh so I put him down but he really just wants the refrigerator. Then he’ll say buh again and I’ll get him some food but he simply meant buh that time. It’s very confusing. Learn a new word already babies!

- My wife loves to dress our boy up in cutesy outfits and/or themed wardrobes. So far he’s been a cowboy, sailor, lion, Indian, mouse, basketball player, a duck and much more. He’s even been a basketball playing duck sailor. She’s got him dressed like animals and Village People yet she still gets mad at me every time I dress him. She says the clothes I put him in “don’t match”, “aren’t cute” or “make him look like a homeless baby.” (Wouldn’t the proper term be cribless baby anyway?) I think blue sweat pants with yellow socks and a green choo-choo onesie top looks just fine. He’s a baby! He’s going to throw up on it anyway in 5 minutes. And when he goes out he doesn’t see anyone he knows. What difference does it make what he’s wearing? Hell, she’s got him wearing shoes most of the time and he can’t even walk! What does my wife know?

- Babies are like little sharks. They’ll put anything in their mouth, they never stop eating and are very attracted to small shiny objects. Our little shark boy has bitten into spoons, eaten carpet fibers, licks every window he comes in contact with, gnaws on the coffee table, chews napkins, magazines, clickers, cell phones and computer wires and has even been known to ingest license plates, harbor seals and even a car bumper or two. He’s our little Jaws. “We’re gonna need a bigger boat!”

So that’s all for now. See how much I’ve learned? It’s been the greatest year of my life, exhausting and difficult, but amazing. Emily and I have been blessed by a smiling, fun, personable and loving boy who literally lights up a room when he crawls into it. He’s just the best. And as all my fellow parents know, it keeps getting better every day.

Someone once said, “Babies are such a nice way to start people.” It’s only been a year but I couldn’t agree more. Until next time…

Holiday photos of Logan and the Lazari

2007-01-02T12:32:00.000-07:00

Friends and family,

We haven’t sent any pictures out since October, but I think this email will make up for lost time. It covers Thanksgiving and Hanukkah and the weeks in between and features Logan from 8 – 10 months old. Lots of photos of the boy.

We had a great holiday season! Fun time with the family and friends…outings, dinners, parties, relaxing, etc. And both the Gators and Jets did well this year, a first ever. Emily and I are good, the weather is gorgeous every day and Logan is doing great! He’s like a cute little drunken midget…falling down, knocking stuff over, mumbling incoherently, drooling on himself and then going toilet in his pants. He’s really close to walking and can do lots of cool tricks now like high-five, touchdown Gators (which consists of putting his hands up), can wave on command and tries to play the keyboard but he is not good at it. The songs he plays are really awful actually…it’s like a baby wrote it.

No matter what we do, life keeps moving fast. He’s grown so much its scary. I wish I could stop time. That way Logan would stay like this forever and I could also rob banks without anyone knowing.

Anyway, enjoy the photos and have a great year! I hope your holidays were fantastic and that all your 2007 wishes come true.

THANKSGIVING:

Packing before our holiday trip to Florida. We didn’t want to pay for a seat for Logan so we just checked him through to Ft. Lauderdale.

Lazdog and Lazpuppy at Turkey Bowl 2006 – doesn’t he look like someone else’s kid? I have actually had to say “no officer, I did not kidnap this boy.”

Eric and me with our sons. Weird huh? It’s nice to see future generations of Jews and Mexicans getting together though.

The Lazari just before Thanksgiving dinner. 2 out of the 3 people in this photo look related. Can you guess who doesn’t belong? Yup, it’s the turkey on the right.

Logan playing with some girlie doll on the floor of my parent’s house. FYI, the rug seen in this photo was not comfortable to sit on at all!

HANUKKAH:

Logan in front of his eight Hanukkah presents. (Little did he know we simply wrapped up his old toys and gave them to him again…haha, babies are so gullible.)

Logan enjoying the alphabet blocks we got him. Too bad he can’t spell, though he does enjoy knocking them down and throwing them around. He must hate letters or he may just despise blocks, we’re not sure.

His favorite gift of all? Why the wrapping paper of course!

This photo was to prove that we did actually go to Temple for Hanukkah. We never really went inside though; just drove up, snapped this photo and then went to a Christmas party.

MISCELLANEOUS:

J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS! Three generations of gluttons for punishment. F’ing Jets!

Logan playing in a box

Again with the box. What can I say, the kid loves corrugated cardboard. Don’t judge him!

Logan the Lion in his new jacket (with mane.) Thanks Epsteins, he loves this thing!

Logan the Lion about to pounce! He’s the king of the jungle gym.

This is Logan at 10 months old. Check out those teethies! His mother is proud. I’m sure his father is proud too, whoever he is. j/k But c’mon, he looks nothing like me!

WE’RE DONE! NO MORE PHOTOS!

Our little Loganberry...

2006-10-06T18:38:00.000-07:00

Friends and family,

You all have witnessed our son Logan faking sleep, dressed up in crazy outfits, battle an avocado and more! But it’s not all shenanigans and tomfoolery with us so we wanted to share some more intimate photos of Logan and us at play. He can sit up by himself now, crawl (or at least shimmy) from one end of the room to another, can manipulate small items in his hands like coins, buttons or glass shards, is eating “big people food” like squash, peas, raw bagged California spinach, peanuts and sashimi and can even recite the chorus to the Police song “De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da”. He’s only 7 months old and is developing on an 8 month old level at least.

Hopefully you’re all not sick of seeing him yet, because in 7 months I’ve taken over 48,000 photos and have many more to share with you all. Here are a few of the most recent ones. (Thanks Aunt Hil for some of these GREAT pics!) Enjoy!

***DISCLAIMER*** For the record Logan is not handling buttons, coins or glass and is not eating spinach, nuts or sashimi, so no one needs to call Child Protective Services yet.

Here are the images...

Who dat is? Dats just my baby daddy?

He’s got Mommy’s good looks and Daddy’s drooling problem.

We captured the “airplane game” on film, what we missed however was the baby vomit all over Daddy’s face after this photo.

What’s going on to the left? What is over there? We’ll never know.

Gator by birth, Wildcat by adoption.

What the hell is going on to the left? What is so great about that direction?

Logan’s reaction after finding out that a new baby girl moved in next door!

And just in case anyone was wondering, Logan DID have a rematch with the avocado this past week and this time, HE WAS VICTORIOUS! The avocado never knew what was coming. The score is now Avocado 1, Logan 1. What can I say, the boy likes his guacamole. You can tell in his grin!

More news from Loganville to come. We miss you and love you all!

Adam & Emily

The First Smile

2006-04-21T18:00:00.000-07:00

After weeks of futile attempts, we FINALLY snapped a picture of Logan smiling! It's like trying to capture Bigfoot on film...very elusive indeed! Until this snapshot we were either to slow (resulting in a picture of Logan looking bewildered) or premature (which made him look constipated.)

Anyway, we got it. And it's my favorite picture ever. AND WHAT A SMILE IT IS! (If I do say so myself.)

The Ins and Outs of Fatherhood

2006-04-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

Fatherhood is fantastic, but it has its ins and outs. Life has sure changed for the better, but here's what is OUT and what is IN now that I have a new baby...

OUT: Fridge filled with beer bottles.
IN: Fridge filled with baby bottles.

OUT: Watching "Star Wars" DVDs on my big screen TV.
IN: Watching "Baby Einstein" DVDs on my big screen TV.

OUT: Vegas, baby!
IN: Crying baby.

OUT: Golf clubs in the trunk of my car.
IN: Stroller in the trunk of my car.

OUT: Late night runs to Taco Bell.
IN: Late night feedings in baby's nursery.

OUT: Humping
IN: Pumping

OUT: Going out to pick up the ladies.
IN: Staying in to hold your baby.

OUT: Waking up at 10am on Saturday mornings.
IN: Waking up at 1am, 3am and 6am on Saturday mornings.

OUT: SportsCenter
IN: BabyCenter.com

OUT: Having a "burp off" with your friends.
IN: Having to burp your baby after he eats.

OUT: Subscription to Maxim magazine.
IN: Subscription to Parents magazine.

OUT: Using all your best material to make your buddies laugh.
IN: Using all your best material to make your baby laugh.

OUT: Boys night out.
IN: Family night in.

OUT: Going to "Sams Club" to buy cases of beer in bulk.
IN: Going to "Sams Club" to buy cases of diapers in bulk.

OUT: Free time.
IN: Tummy time.

Have a Happy Easter!

2006-04-18T09:42:00.000-07:00

Have a happy Easter,
To my friends that aren't Jews.
May your eggs be painted
In bright yellows, greens and blues.

May your friends and family
All gather 'round in love.
While you're hunting Easter eggs
May no one push or shove.

May your Sunday feast include
A tasty, juicy ham.
Or other things that Christians eat
Like wild game and Spam.

May Jesus bless and keep you,
(Or whatever Jesus does.)
And may Good Friday be the best
Damn day there ever was.

May a rabbit bring you stuff
Like candy coated sweets.
And if you're stuck in Church all day
May padding line the seats.

May your day be filled with joy,
With prayer, with eggs, with fun.
And like that kid from Christmas said,
"God bless us, every one!"

The Real Stories of Passover and Easter

2006-04-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

This is the time of year when Jewish people like me celebrate Passover and the rest of the free world celebrates Easter. Most Christians don’t know a thing about Passover and, likewise, most Jewish people don’t know a damn thing about Easter.

I don’t claim to be an expert on theology by any means, but hopefully the following narrative will shed some light on each mysterious holiday and allow believers of the two religions to better understand each other’s faith. Then one day we can all live in peace and harmony. I urge you to read these stories at your Passover Seder or your Easter feast so your families and friends will be enlightened too.

THE REAL STORY OF PASSOVER

Passover is the time of year when Jewish families get together and celebrate the life of Moses. He was not the guy who took two of everything on that ark and he is not one of the Alou brothers who play Major League baseball. No, Moses was this Jewish guy who was born into slavery way back in biblical times.

Moses’s mom didn’t want him to be a slave; she wanted him to be a doctor. (You know how Jewish mothers are.) So she threw him into a river where he was found by some Egyptian princess who took Moses in and raised him as royalty. But after awhile the princess found out that Moses was really a Hebrew and he was forced to become a slave again or something like that.

After many years of manual labor, Moses wanted a vacation. He asked the Pharaoh Ramses, who was named after the condom, if he and the rest of the Hebrews could get some time off. Ramses refused his request and then made cruel jokes about how cheap Moses was and how his nose was huge. Moses grew angry because the Pharaoh dismissed his request and then made bigoted, stereotypical jokes, but the Ramses would not ever free the Jewish people from slavery. You see, the Pharaoh needed the Hebrew slaves to build him stuff like pyramids, sphinxes and camel barns. The Pharaoh wasn’t about to do any work himself so he used the Jews, who have always been known for their strength and athletic prowess, to do all of the hard manual labor. (Kind of like what we Americans get Mexicans to do nowadays.)

Anyway, when Moses asked the Pharaoh to give the slaves a break, the Pharaoh hollered at Moses, “Hell no! I will not the Hebrew slaves go!” Now Moses was really angry and replied "Ramses, either you let my people go or I'm going to go tell on you to God and get him to send all sorts of nasty-ass plagues down from outer-space and you'll be very sorry!" The Pharaoh just laughed because he didn't believe him. Moses said "Fine, you sandy bastard, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!"

So Moses, true to his word, climbed up Mt. Olympus and told God all about the work Pharaoh had the Jewish people doing. God became angry at what he heard and decided that the Egyptians needed to be severely punished. True to His word, as deities often are, God sent a bunch of disgusting plagues down on the Egyptians like boils, locusts, explosive diarrhea, vermin, sitar music, cattle disease, frogs, and Gilbert Gottfried. But the worst of all of God’s plagues was this evil little ghost angel named Casper sent down to kill all of the firstborn male Egyptian children. God was only pissed at the Egyptians, so he gave the angel of death specific instructions to spare all of the children who had their weiners snipped at birth - basically, just the Jews.

Late that night while the town was asleep, the angel went on his serial killing spree. He passed over all of the Jewish peoples’ houses as he went, just like Christmas carolers do. And that's why we call the holiday Passover, because the murderous little angel “passed over” the Hebrews and Shebrews and only slew the Egyptians instead.

The next morning the Pharaoh awoke to the news that his only son had gotten smote or smitten or smited. Needless to say, the Pharaoh was incensed. So some other crap happened and then something else which I forget. But to make a long story short, while the Pharaoh was mourning the death of his son, Moses had rounded up all the Hebrews and escaped to find some prime real estate by the ocean.

The slaves walked for what seemed like 40 years, but turned out to be more like 38 years, and finally got to this giant sea. These particular Hebrews, who had spent forever wandering in the burning desert heat, were not very strong swimmers. “Oy, the sea is so big and we have no boats!” they moaned. “It would take a miracle to get across the raging waters!” Not knowing what to do the men began to argue about how much time and money they were wasting. The women began complaining about how the salty sea air was ruining their perms. The children grew impatient and started listening to rap music and pretending they were black.

Soon the people started getting ornery and began losing hope. Moses, sick of hearing his people’s whininess, reached into his overnight bag and pulled out his magic wand. He waved it in the air and yelled out some Hebrew chant and the water in the sea began to part. The Jews saw this unbelievable sight and were so happy that they did what every Jewish person does whenever they’re happy - the Hora!

Moments later the Pharaoh and his guards got to the sea too, but most of the Hebrews were already on the other shore. The Egyptians wanted revenge on the slaves for sending them such horrible plagues and making them give chase through the desert so they decided to follow them through the parted waters of the sea. As the last of the Hebrews stepped onto the other side, Moses waved the magic wand again. The water that had been parted for the slaves started flowing violently back down on top of the hapless Egyptians.

The Pharaoh and his followers, who were even worse swimmers than the Hebrews, were swallowed up by the raging waters of the sea. Maybe if the Egyptians were more like Cubans than they would have been able to somehow float to shore on a chariot tire or something. But nevertheless, they were not as resourceful as Cubans and all of the Egyptians drowned right there as the Hebrew slaves watched in amazement.

The Hebrews were relieved, but they still had a long way to go. They continued to walk for days until they reached their destination of Mount Sinai, which was named after a really good hospital in the downtown area. The Hebrews, tired from their ordeal, decided to celebrate their escape with a big catered party. Moses, however, told his people that he was going to climb up this mountain to talk to God again about all that had happened to them over the past few decades.

While Moses was gone, the Hebrews figured they’d have some fun so they threw a wild party with klesmer music, bagels and lox and Old Testament Pictionary. When Moses finally came down from the mountain after a few weeks, what he saw nauseated him. The party had gotten way out of hand! Moses saw all of his loyal followers dancing around naked and boozing it up like they were fraternity brothers, who in those days really were Greek. Moses tried to explain to them that while he was “high” on the mountain, God had given him these Ten Commandments as a guide for the Hebrews to live their lives morally, ethically and free from sin. But his followers kept on partying.

These commandments form God said some stuff about freedom of speech and about not lying, cheating on tests or littering. It also had a blurb about only worshiping God and not practicing idolatry or praying to statues of big fat naked Chinese men. Moses said, “I’ve only been gone an hour and you schmucks are already screwing everything up!” But the people were too busy getting drunk and praying to a golden cow and simply ignored Moses. Some even yelled at him for not chipping in his share of the money for the liquor and idols they had bought.

God, who had been relaxing at the peak of the mountain, heard all of this commotion and became enraged. He thought, “I have just given them my rules to live by and the Hebrews are not abiding by any of them! All they do is drink and party like it’s the last night at Sodom and Gomorrah!” Angry at the Hebrews for disregarding a direct holy order, God decided to teach all of the miscreants a valuable lesson.

The skies grew dark and cloudy as God said some weird incantation that turned all of the drunken revelers into mice. Then this guy, the Pied Piper, came out of a cave on the side of the mountain with an invisible flute and started playing “Hava Nagila.” All of the little Jewish mice were mesmerized by the happy tune and were led out of the town to the countryside where they sang and danced and wore tiny little mouse yarmulkes.

Later on that day the mice ate some enchanted cheese and were turned back into Hebrews again, as God had only wanted to teach them a lesson. Moses was so happy that his people were now free and that they were no longer rodents that he made some matzos and ate it with gefilte fish and Manischevitz wine. Then he became a Rabbi and blew a shofar and fell asleep.

THE REAL STORY OF EASTER

A bunch of Romans killed this guy Jesus, who was Jewish, because of some stuff that he said and did. Then he came back to life, I think, and then spooked them all and then died again. Then this rabbit came by and laid some eggs near where Jesus was and some of the eggs turned into chocolate and others were painted and had glitter on them. Then these little kids found them and everyone ate some ham. The End.

Lazdog's March music recommendations...

2006-03-31T20:07:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows I'm really into music. And if you didn't know, now you know. I have gotten many requests to include a music recommendations section of the Lazblog so others may be introduced to what I think is the best in music.

My taste is pretty diverse; from hip-hop to doo-wop, classic to country and soul to rock n' roll. I like everything from the Beach Boys to the Beastie Boys - old school, new school and even middle school. And though I'm not the end all be all to what is great, I think I have pretty good taste in music and thought you all might enjoy these artists too. So here's what I'm bumping in my iPod as we speak. Check out these artists/songs on iTunes (or wherever) when you get a chance:

Sam Cooke - just damn good classic soul. One of the best voices ever, listening to this man sing always makes me smile. Download "Good Times" if you simply want to feel all around great and "Bring It On Home To Me" for old school smoothness that you don't get in today's music.

Matisyahu - An orthodox Jew singing reggae and rap. Huh? What? That's right, this bearded, big-hatted Hebrew can really bring it. He is the real deal and his uplifting songs are worth a listen. Check out the popular song "King Without a Crown" and the cathy "Time of Your Song" for a little BOOyakashaw! from Crown Heights, Brooklyn.

Johnny Cash - if you haven't heard this legend than not only are you living in a vacuum but you're missing out on one of the greatest country songwriters who ever lived. The movie may have made it mainstream to like him, but Johnny Cash's music is too good not to like. I've loved his simple sound since I first heard the song "Folsom Prison Blues" in this guy's pick-up truck when I was 14 and that's just one of dozens of classics. (Don't ask why I was in the guys pickup truck.)

People Under the Stairs - underground Cali hip hop that mixes fresh lyrics with great beats and sweet-ass melodies. Their brand of rap is perfect for chillin' on a Summer day and they can rhyme with the very best of them. Like "A Tribe Called Quest" meets "Digable Planets", check out the songs "Acid Raindrops" or "July 3rd" for a taste of the realness from the People Under the Stairs.

Michael Franti & Spearhead - this is great stuff! Sort of "Wyclef" meets "The Roots" with pure poetry in motion instead of lyrics. I love these guys. Best music discovery in months for me. Definitely give your ears a vacation with songs like "Never Too Late", "Stay Human (Stereo Steambath Remix)", "Ganja Babe" and "Sometimes" - these guys need to be heard.

Slightly Stoopid - funny name, but seriously good. This is one of my favorite bands. Like Sublime before them, this SoCal group is fantastic! By no means "undiscovered" but they just haven't gotten the respect they deserve by the masses...and I like it that way. Their mix of laid back beach music mixed with some surf-punk songs have everything you need. There's reggae, rap and rock all in one and man oh man are they good live. You won't be disappointed, I promise. Download the songs "Officer", "Everything You Need" and "Collie Man" for just a taste of this California coolness and I guarantee they become one of your favorite bands too.

Nightmares on Wax - no words, just a DJ mixing great beats with transe inducing tunes. Slow and low, that is the tempo. Like Moby, only really good. Nightmares on Wax IS chillout music defined. Downtempo, laid back trip-hop at its absolute finest. Perfect for Sunday drives, studying, zoning out, doing the nasty, etc. Give a listen to gems like "Capumcap", "Fire In the Middle" and "Morse" to hear the soundtrack for relaxation.

Here are some other random songs that I'm listening to (all available on iTunes). Do yourself a favor and check them out too. (Let me know what you think!) You can get a free 30 sec. sample of each on iTunes - they're a trip, they got a funky beat and you can BUG OUT to 'em...

Visioneers - Replay
Visioneers - Ike's Mood I
Rocco DeLuca - Colorful
Jack Johnson - Broken
The Beautiful Girls - Music
Scissor Sisters - Take Your Mama
Cypress Hill - The Only Way
Digable Planets - Pacifics
Faces - Stay With Me
Jamie Lidell - Multiply
Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict a Riot
Mobb Deep - Shook Ones, Pt. 2

Open your ears and shut your mouth...

DJ Laz
"Bringing great new music to my favorite people since 1991"

New parent stats...

2006-03-30T17:54:00.000-07:00

Our son Logan is now 5 weeks old and what a ride its been so far. It's a lot of work, but oh so worth it. Emily and I were talking the other day about how much our lives have changed (for the better) in such a short time. He's a very good boy and Emily is such a great mom!

When I really started thinking about the past 5 weeks and just how much has happened I began compiling the stats in my head and it was overwhelming, so I decided to share these stats with you. It really puts parenthood into perspective.

New Parent Stats

840 = number of hours Logan has been alive

736 = number of hours Logan has been asleep

82 = number of hours Mommy and Daddy have slept

337 = peepee and/or poopoo filled dirty diapers we've changed

11 = times we've been peed on

1,071 = ounces of breast milk guzzled down by Logan

163 = ounces of breast milk spit back up by Logan

5 = shirts ruined by aforementioned spit up

3 out of 4 = dentists that recommend Oral-B toothbrushes

31 = loads of baby related laundry

50% = percentage of Logan that is me

50% = percentage of Logan that is Emily

27 = number of rock, paper, scissors games to decide who cleans the really bad diapers

27 = number of times Daddy has cleaned the aforementioned diapers desite winning the game

33 = times I've sworn Logan has smiled at me though it was really gas-related

5 out of 4 = people that are bad at fractions

489 = photos taken of our new baby boy

423 = photos taken of our new baby boy sleeping

50% = people in the world that are below average

1,632 = baby related questions we've asked our Pediatrician, parents, family members, friends with kids and smart-looking strangers

1,632 = different answers, opinions and bits of advice we've gotten when we ask those questions

$312 = dollars spent online by Daddy for baby neccessities like Beastie Boys onesies, Spiderman sleepers and N.Y. Jets bibs and pacifiers.

2 - 4 weeks = amount of weeks allowed for delivery of above items

63% = percentage of statistics that are made up on the spot

26 = pacifiers purchased

0 = pacifiers around when you need one

And the most important stat of all...

1 = fantastic, beautiful, amazing new son

Laz

Ways to make everyday situations much more enjoyable...

2006-03-27T19:22:00.000-07:00

Whenever I'm anywhere I always think of a way to make the situation funnier...for me. I don't usually care if it gets a laugh as long as I am giggling, that's all that matters. So with that in mind I created the following list of ways to make everyday situations much more enjoyable. They are funny, random things to do that may make people look at you strangely but will guarantee that you'll have a better time. Believe me, it works. I've done about 90% of these things (ask Emily) and it's funny every time...at least I'm laughing.

Fast Food Joints
· Order just an “extra cheese” and when the cashier asks what you want the extra cheese on, tell them “I want it on the first piece, missy.” This especially works best when the cashier is a man.
· Ask for an order with Dutch Fries and when they tell you they only have French Fries, start ranting and raving at the top of your lungs about how you “refuse to eat those fries because the French screwed the Americans during World War 2” and how “this restaurant must be run by Nazis!.”
· When they put your order on the tray, take out some tomatoes and onions that you’ve brought from home and start cutting them up on the counter to put on your food.
· Ask the workers what they think you should order and then scream at them for making a poor choice.
· Sing your order to the tune of “I’m Henry the VIII, I Am.” (Ex. I’ll have a Diet Coke I will, have a Diet Coke I will, I will…)
· While the cashier is looking down inputting your order, bend your knees just a little lowering your height behind the counter. Order many items slowly and lower yourself again and again. By the time you’re done ordering you should have your chin resting on the counter.
· Ask the cashier what he’d order if he were eating and whatever he tells you, order it along with your own order. Then when the cashier tells you what your total is, tell him that he owes you a few bucks for the items that he wanted.
· Ask to see the manager and when he/she comes over, proceed to start shadow boxing. Then begin telling the manager that you’ve been training for months and want them to now be your “manager” in the “big fight.”

Banks
· Give the teller a $100 bill and tell them you want him to make change. When they ask what denominations you want it in, tell them you’d like two Lutherans, four Episcopalians, and the rest in Roman Catholics.
· Hand the teller a $20 and tell them that you’d like “20 bucks in chips for the Roulette table.” When they look at you befuddled, say “I’m just joking, Roulette is for suckers…Craps is where the real dough is!”
· As the teller is counting your money, begin to shout out random numbers in the hopes of confusing them. Apologize repeatedly, but continue to do it each time they begin counting.
· Place your mouth on the glass separation between the teller and yourself and blow over and over making your cheeks puff out. When the weird looks begin, just look around and yell out in a British-Cockney accent “That makes me cheeks itchy!”
· Tell the teller random, inane, incorrect facts about money. For example, "Did you know money is green because of all the chlorophyll."
· Go into the bank dressed like the banker from Monopoly and start bossing everyone around like you own the place.

Mall Information Booths
· Ask them how much the mall weighs.
· Ask the person working for random information like "I need information on the gestation period of the Florida manatee?"
· Demand to see Mr. Wetzel regarding the ridiculous prices of his pretzels.
· Ask what the temperature is in the mens rooms and no matter what they say yell "UNACCEPTABLE!."
· Ask them where the store is that sells assless chaps.
· Tell them you went into the store Athlete's Foot and now your toes are burning and stinging and you need some Lamisil immediately.
· Ask them if they know what the word "mall" is short for.

Restaurants
· If they ask, "Do you have a smoking preference?" say "Marlboro Lights."
· When the waiter says "I'm Jim, I'll be your server tonight" respond by saying "I'm Adam, I'll be your eater tonight." (It's funnier when you're name isn't even Adam.)
· When you're done with your meal and there are leftovers the waiter usually asks, "Do you wanna box for that?" Say "Yeah, it's go time" and stand, put up your fists and start boxing with them.
· When being seated with your wife and they ask "table for how many?", say that you need two tables for one.
· Order a drink called “The Rump-Shaker”, and when they ask what it is tell them it’s a mixture of ½ Mr. Pibb and ½ Honey Mustard sauce.
· If the restaurant uses one of those remote vibrating pagers to notify you when your table is ready, when it goes off start screaming and acting like it's shocking you with electricity.
· When you ask them "How long is the wait?", no matter how they respond say "Can you add 5 minutes to that because I have to take a huge dump. By the way, where's your crapper?"

99 Cent Stores
· For every item keep asking the salespeople, "How much is this?" Do this until you're asked to leave.
· If you're at the store "Everything's A Dollar" give the cashier one dollar and say, "I'll take everything!"
· Ask them random questions like "Where is the jewelry department?" or "Do you sell tires?"
· Pay for everything in pennies.
· Buy one item and write a check for it.

Try some of these things next time you're out and about and let me know how it goes. I'm sure it will be fun, fun, fun! Send me your own ideas too.

Laz

Joketime...

2006-03-25T22:11:00.000-07:00

I think it's very important to always know a good joke. Not neccesarily a dirty joke or some long winded story, although those are good too, just a quick joke for young or old to enjoy. People love jokes and I think everyone should know at least one. (Believe me, kids LOVE these jokes!)

I don't take credit for these, I just "collect" jokes and think these are really funny so I thought I'd share them with you. Stop me if you've already heard them...

Why are there so many Johnson’s in the phone book? They all have phones

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers

What do you call a fish with no “i”? Fsh

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed dear (Get it...no idea)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still, no eyed dear

How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer

What do you call the black stuff in-between elephant’s toes? Slow natives

Why are police officers so smelly? They’re always on duty

What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? Dam!

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out ofa tree would kill you? A pool table

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef

Hahahahahaha...I must be a real dad now because I know lots of lame jokes. Hope you liked these...I have lots more. If you know a good one too, send me a comment with a joke and I'll post it on the Lazblog.

You know what they say, a joke a day keeps the devil from invading your soul and taking you down into the depths of hell to serve him in a fiery cauldron of doom for all eternity. Plus, they're just so darn funny!

Laz

This is tough...

2006-03-24T11:52:00.000-07:00

This blogging thing is hard. The typing part is easy, it's remembering to constantly update the blog every day or so. I've already gotten several emails/comments from people asking where the new material is. It's coming.

I have precious little free time but I enjoy this blogging thing so I promise to keep updating it as often as I can.

The Lazblog was intended to be a receptacle for all things Laz, both the G-rated Logan updates and some R-rated material too...so please don't be offended if you read something off-color. Just a warning as I've received some flack from the wifey that some material may be innapropriate for certain readers. Screw those readers. If you don't like the material then go read some lame blog about gardening or how to make delicious biscuits. This is my blog and I can write what I want.

By the way, as I was writing that last line Logan just ripped the loudest fart ever and it was hilarious. Wait, I have to change his diaper...not so funny after all.

Laz

What I've learned in the first 2 weeks...

2006-03-22T20:12:00.000-07:00

Most of you have seen this already, but it's become very popular and sort of taken on a life of its own so I decided to post it on my blog.

To my peeps,

So I’ve only been a dad now for 2 short weeks, but I’ve already had many realizations in this very short time regarding fatherhood. It’s been an amazing ride so far and I know it only gets better, but here’s what I’ve learned so far…

- Eat. Sleep. Poop. Repeat. That’s the routine. Newborns don’t do anything else.

- People always ask us the same stupid question…”getting any sleep?” NO! No we’re not. None. Not a wink. Nothing at all. Even when we “sleep” we’re not sleeping because you know you have to wake up in an hour. It’s like when you’d fall asleep in class. You close your eyes, start to drool and then wake up abruptly flailing your arms and scare the shit out of yourself and the person next to you.

- The circumcision, or bris as us Hebrews call it, is an awful, awful process. The basics are this…they strap the baby down to a board, rub topical anesthetic all over “the area”, inject Lydocaine directly into his hoo-hah, say a few prayers and use a cigar cutter, yes, a cigar cutter to make the little Darth Vader helmet. And all of this madness is done in front of an audience. Then everyone eats bagels. Yes, I know it’s an ancient custom but it was tough to watch. But at least now he won’t get made fun of in gym class.

- Babies-R-Us owns my ass. I’ve been back there at least a dozen times since Logan was born to get things we “need.” The list of must-have items includes, but is not limited to: 1) Nipples, nipples and more nipples…stage 1s, slow-flows, air-frees, natural shapes, easy sucks and every other type of nipple they make. And guess what? They ALL still give him major gas. 2) Bottle warmer…yes, I spent $20 on something that warms up bottles of milk in 3 minutes. I already had something like that, it’s called a microwave! But it seems that microwaves don’t work for breast milk…at least Babies-R-Us wants us to think that. And running the bottle under warm tap water was too easy, so I bought a machine to do it. 3) Mirrors for our cars so we can see the baby while driving…“yes, he’s STILL asleep dear.” 4) “Butt Paste”…yes, that’s actually what the brand is called, “Butt Paste.” Actually, I wasn’t sure what it did when I bought it but if you ever see a product called “Butt Paste” you buy it first and ask questions later.

- I’m now a supporter of teenage pregnancy. Not because I think kids should be having kids, that’s awful, but because 18 year olds are the only ones who have the energy required to be up all night, night after night. 30 year olds need sleep! Emily and I sleep maybe 3 hours a night - I’m running on adrenaline and breast milk fumes and that’s it.

- We do baby laundry twice a day, every day. I should by stock in Dreft we’re doing so many loads.

- I always swore I’d never dress my baby in cutesy outfits or newborn costumes like sailor suits or baby cowboy stuff…but he just looks so damn cute in that crap!

- Baby clothes, blankets, towels, etc. are sooooo soft! I wish they made more adult items in terry cloth, chenille or fleece. I’d make my whole wardrobe out of whatever they make receiving blankets from. And yes, I now know what a receiving blanket is.

- Do not whine to your wife about how you have a nasty, stingy paper cut just hours after she’s delivered a 7 ½ lb. baby. She’s not very sympathetic.

- Putting together baby stuff like bassinets and swings and pack-n-plays is harder than putting together a custom chopper. I’ve never actually assembled a custom motorcycle but those guys on American Chopper do it in an hour and it took me an entire afternoon (and some of the evening) to figure out where the mobile goes on the play pen. Where’s Pauly Jr. when you need him?

- Babies can’t focus on your face at all so all the smiling, funny faces, cooing, oohing and awing is for naught. You think their looking at you, you can swear it, but they can’t see a damn thing. I’m told they only see fuzzy blobs about a foot away and only in black and white…so it’s basically like they’re watching TV in the 50’s and you’re “The Honeymooners.”

- All newborns look like little alien babies and are rather frog-like in appearance….except your child. YOUR baby is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen and they will never be cuter…until the next day, then the next and so on.

- Regarding your baby, you are very paranoid about cleanliness and sterilization - everyone has to wash their hands with pumice, they must use Purell every 5 minutes and you boil the pacifiers and bottles and such…for like the first week. Week two you’re still washing your hands but the Purell is occasional and you’re rinsing the pacifiers in tap water. I’m guessing by week 3 I’ll just wipe my hands on my shirt and then just shake the pacifier off to clean it. Their immune systems should kick in by then, right?

- Watching your wife pumping breast milk for the first time is just weird. You kind of get used to it, but it never just feels right to watch it. The first time you handle said milk, it’s weird too. And yes, it’s VERY weird if you want to taste it. Just don’t.

- Every noise, every odd movement and every time they sleep too long you check them. Are they still breathing? Yes. Are they hurt? Nope. Logic and reason tells you they’re fine. But what if that hiccup means they’re choking? Logic and reason be damned, it’s my kid.

- Newborn poop looks like spicy mustard with sesame seeds in it and smells like moldy bread.

- People without kids ask me what I can compare the first weeks too. Really, nothing. But I guess it’s kind of like staying up all night in Vegas without any of the gambling or booze or partying and the only boobs you see have babies hanging from them.

- Speaking of Vegas, I’m supposed to go on a bachelor party to Vegas next month and all the guys who are going keep asking me, “Aren’t you excited?” Three nights away from a crying baby who’s up all night long so I don’t get any sleep and I get to go to a place where I’ll be up all night and not get any sleep? Yeah, can’t wait.

- You swear you won’t be “one of those dads” who take pictures of the baby every moment of their life, but you become one anyway. I’m like an Asian tourist in Epcot. I take pictures of him every 10 minutes yet 90% of them are photos of him sleeping. Who needs hundreds of pictures of a sleeping newborn? We do.

- If one more person tells me to “get used to it” when I say I’m tired I’m going to murder them where they stand.

- After giving birth your wife gets emotional…very emotional. First she cries, then zones out for awhile and then goes to sleep mad at you…actually it sounds a lot like the night we conceived.

- Newborns are better than alarm clocks. They require no batteries and you can hear them from anywhere in the house. We set Logan to 7am so I’m not late for work, 8pm so we know when “My Name Is Earl” is on and every other time in between. You simply can’t forget to feed them or change them, they just won’t let you. The only negative to our baby alarm clock is that every time I hit the snooze button I’m afraid I’ll damage his soft spot.

- Nothing, I mean nothing, can prepare you for the actual act of childbirth. The result is wonderful but for me the process was like being in a car wreck…it happened so fast, I couldn’t remember much of it, I was a little dazed, I tried but couldn’t look away, there was a lot of blood and screaming, and afterwards my insurance went up.

- Changing a baby boy is like being in the first few rows at Sea World…prepare to get wet. It’s like a Gallagher show, you need to wear a poncho or else pee will get all over you, the baby, the clean clothes you’ve set aside, the new diaper and even the yummy sandwich you’re eating as you change him. I already got peed on three times today.

- Never complain about the difficulties of newborns to your friends with 2 year olds, more than one child or colicky babies…you get a lot of eye rolls and/or “go F yourselfs.” Other parents don’t EVER want to hear you bitch and moan about your child, especially after only 2 weeks.

- A baby fresh out of the bathtub, all clean and cozy and warm, is just about the cutest thing you’ll ever see and makes this whole wild rollercoaster ride worth it. See what I mean…

That’s what I’ve learned in only 2 weeks…imagine what I’ll know in a month.

Adam Lazarus
alazarus@golf520.com

Old news...

2006-03-22T18:06:00.000-07:00

To get everyone caught up (like you don't know already), Emily and I had a new baby boy on February 23. His name is Logan and he is the best thing ever. He'll be 1 month old tomorrow. Time flies when you get no sleep.

Ain't he cute...

Lazdog Has a Blog!

2006-03-22T15:47:00.000-07:00

So I finally did it...I'm blogging. At least I think I'm blogging. I've never blogged before. I've jogged, but never blogged. I don't think it's the same thing.

I send out so many emails and decided that from now on I'll put my thoughts, jokes, commentary, ideas, poems and random utterances here in this blog instead of annoying people with an email every day.

So enjoy the Lazblog. (Get it, it's like Lazdog but I switched it up a bit. Clever huh?)

Check back often to see the latest posts...anything from pictures of our new son Logan to funny things I think of and random stuff such as music I like, jokes, factoids and even recipes (as long as they include cheese.)

Please feel free to contact me or make requests whenever you'd like. For a small fee I'll custom write poems, speeches, roasts and will even write your essay from Grad School if needed.

Here goes nothing...

Adam Lazarus
alazarus@golf520.com