Lazblog

Your source for the humorous commentary, clever poetry, curious thoughts, dumb jokes and inane ramblings of Adam Lazarus.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Wiggles!

That’s right – The Wiggles came to Tucson and we went to see them LIVE! (You’re jealous, I know.)

Those of you who are parents definitely know who The Wiggles are. It’s mandatory if you’re a parent. You may not like them, but every mom and dad knows about these Aussie nutjobs and their special blend of blinding primary colored costumes, weird characters and inane but catchy 1 minute ditty’s about everyday things like going to the beach, drinking milk and wearing a hat on your head.

For those of you who aren’t parents, these guys are like The Beatles for 2 year olds. They are the golden gods of toddler rock. The “it” group for the 2 – 4 year old circuit. The Wiggles are basically kiddy crack. They fill arenas from Australia to Arizona, are classically trained musicians who now sing songs about inanimate objects and, by the way, they’re also billionaires! They have hundreds of CDs and DVDs, sell all sorts of toys and books and even have their own theme park, that’s right, a theme park in Australia. They are the hot thing in children’s music right now...and Logan adores them. No, he’s addicted to them.

Recently, The Wiggles came to Tucson. Of course I bought tickets for me, Emily and Logan and our good friends the Crowleys who have a very cute daughter named Charlotte – Logan’s best friend. And being me, I bought the best seats they offered! $50 a seat to see these four Aussie’s perform their hits like “Where’s Jeff?”, “Hoop-Dee-Doo”, “Food Food Food” (which is about food) and my personal favorite, “Come On Let’s Jump” though I’m not sure what that one is about exactly. I spent more for The Wiggles live then when I went to see U2, but it was worth it. We were 10 rows away from The Wiggles and their merry cast of weird characters like Wags the Dog, Dorothy the Dinosaur, Henry the Octopus and everyone’s favorite fruity pirate, Captain Feathersword.

The kids sang and danced the entire time, the parents laughed and took a thousand photos all the while lamenting how expensive it was and The Wiggles put on one incredible show. There were no lasers, smoke machines or fireworks but there were giant inflatable castles, oversized fruit, sparkly costumes and odd dance routines performed by gay Australian backup dancers. Oh, and I spent over $100 on Wiggles merchandise too that Logan either lost, stained or destroyed in the car ride home that night.

But it was so much fun! We all had a great time, especially the kids. Here are the photos from our intimate evening with The Wiggles.
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This photo was taken before the show. Nothing funny about the photo, it was just cute to see Logan ecstatic about seeing his favorite band. (And he may or may not be pooping from sheer excitement here.)

Here they are…The Wiggles! And that thing next to them is their “Big Red Car.” It goes toot-toot-chugga-chugga. It’s a crowd favorite! When they sang “Big Red Car” the place went nuts. Mothers were fainting, fathers were yelling, toddlers were throwing their pampers onstage. Kids scream and cry and wet their pants when The Wiggles are doing their stuff. Granted they’d do that anyway, but it’s even worse when there’s a wiggly party going on.

Allow me introduce you to The Wiggles: driving the big red car is Sam, he wears yellow and is the leader of this gang of middle aged morons. He replaced the old leader Greg after a bitter power struggle that left three dancers and a pirate dead, and the gang in complete disarray. Sam then stabbed Greg in an alleyway after a show, right in his wiggly face, and has been driving the big red car ever since. The guy in blue is Anthony – he has an eating disorder and is known as the “funny” one. He’s my favorite because he doesn’t take this gig too seriously (how could you?) and I think he’s Jewish. The guy in red behind him is Murray, he plays guitar and looks like a skeleton with a wig on. He’s a weird guy and he freaks me out every time I see him. Next to him in the back wearing purple is Jeff. He’s the only Asian wiggle and is a narcoleptic that also disappears constantly and the others have to search for him. They wrote 5 songs about it. Unbelievable, huh? These four merry jackasses are richer then Sultans, are syndicated in 150 countries and are more popular than Santa Claus. And their biggest song is a 2 minute ode to fruit salad! I have a Masters Degree and sell golf online. Where did I go wrong?


Check out the look on his face when Logan first saw The Wiggles live and up close. Emily was entranced. Logan was stunned and scared. He definitely pooped his pants after seeing them. His expression stayed exactly the same for an hour. It must be freaky for a 2 year old to see characters from TV that are usually 10 inches tall now 10 feet away from them. I understand how TV’s work and it still freaks me out. Definitely worth $50 for the ticket and whatever it’ll cost for his therapy sessions to see this expression.


I’d be freaked out and have a stunned look too if I saw this guy up in my grill! This is Murray. He’s Logan’s favorite. And he is U-G-L-Y UGLY! But this guy is a multi-millionaire!


Believe it or not…this guy is ALSO a multi-millionaire! Yup, the guy dressed like Wags the f’ing dog makes millions a year! I’m definitely in the wrong business.


Logan getting down and getting funky as The Wiggles rock the tots of Tucson, AZ! He danced, he clapped, he fell down four times, he cried, he got back up and kept dancing. That’s my boy!


Another photo of the infamous big red car. They drive this thing all around the stage and everyone goes crazy. But doesn’t it look eerily similar to the Kennedy assassination film? Look closely at Jeff, the guy in the purple. I think he just got sniped! The similarities between Jeff Wiggle and John F. Kennedy are too close to overlook…both were in convertibles, both were in the backseat with someone named Murray, both were Philippino and both were wearing a bright purple shirt when they were shot. It's fact. Uncanny, huh?


Logan and I stage front. It was nuts! People pushing and shoving, infants getting trampled, mosh pits everywhere and tons of security yanking exhausted fans out of harms way. No, I’m kidding. It was just me, some fat dad with a polka dotted hat and a little Mexican girl eating cotton candy. But it did smell a little like urine and weed in the front row just like any concert. Personally, I think Henry the Octopus was high and then peed in his costume but we’ll never know.


It was fun seeing Logan and his good friend Charlotte doing one of the dozen or so animal-dance themed songs the Wiggles sing. I think this is either “The Monkey Dance” or maybe it was the tiger dance? Or the bear dance? Or was it the one about a cow? Aw, who gives a crap! Look at the joy in these kids’ faces as they move like an emu moves! How cute are these two?


This is the cast doing the robot. Yes, the robot. My favorite dance of all time. Very retro and very cool. Granted it was a big purple octopus, a polka-dotted dinosaur, a freaky dog and a dork in a yellow sweater doing this dance. And it was being done to a song called “Romp Bomp-a-Stomp” which makes it very UNcool and tarnishes it as my favorite dance anymore, but it was still funny to see a bunch of millionaire mascots doing the robot in unison to kids songs.


Me, Logan and Charlotte had a great time getting down to a Captain Feathersword solo. That look on my face is not because I’m getting yanked around by a 3 year old, it’s because Captain Feathersword’s voice is as bad as his name. Although the kiddies loved “Captain’s Magic Buttons”, my face says it all. As I was dancing around to this song I ran into a couple of dads I know from town and I was a little embarrassed about being “caught” enjoying a Wiggles concert. But then I thought, “hey, you chumps are here too! And one of you is wearing an eye patch and an ascot like the Captain and the other is dressed like the blue Wiggle.” And then I felt better about myself…I was only dancing, not dressed like one of the cast members.

$300, one hour, zero costume changes and 93 songs later the “epic” show ended. This was the grand finale! It was killer! There were leg kicks, arm waves, finger points and even a cartwheel or two! I’ve been to hundreds of concerts in my lifetime and have never seen a final performance like The Wiggles put on. I mean leg kicks? No one does those anymore. Very underrated move. There was even finger snapping too and lots of twisting, clapping and waving. Eat your heart out Pink Floyd!


Our family photo taken after the show. Logan had a blast which meant that we also had fun. His first rock show was a huge hit! First show, The Wiggles. Next show…maybe Metallica? Megadeth? Sesame Street Live? Kanye West? Raffi? Who knows!?! All I know was this one was an hour long and we had Logan in bed by 8pm. I was asleep by 9. THAT IS SO ROCK AND ROLL!!!!!!

Seeing Logan this happy was well worth the money, the stress, the smells, the shrills and the humiliation of being photographed dancing at a Wiggles concert and emailing it to everyone I know. I’d rather be photographed doing drugs or with a hooker – at least that ups my street cred whereas a photo of me at a Wiggles completely destroys any street cred I may have had. But it does up my dad cred a little! And even though we spent a bunch of money and Logan won’t remember a damn thing about any of it, photos like this make it all worth it!


Authors note: by the time you read this, Logan will no longer be into The Wiggles and will have moved on to other hellish, miserable kids’ shows like Dora the Explorer and Wonder Pets. God help me if “Dora Live” comes to Tucson! I would rather get run over by the big red car. Stay tuned for more fun and photos in the ongoling chronicles of Logan Lazarus!!!

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