What I’ve Learned In the First 2 Years...

Just two short years ago I was a guy who knew nothing about parenting and like all dads before me was thrust into parenthood and forced to survive. My wife and I had to learn everything on our own. We didn’t know what to do, who to ask or what to expect – but we’ve survived! And our son Logan has thrived in the process.

Logan turns two this month! Wow, how the past two years have flown by. It seems like yesterday when we brought Logan home and I started writing about what I had learned on this crazy, stressful, wonderfully hilarious ride called parenthood. Babies have that affect on life. I read somewhere that “a baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten and the future worth living for." Truer words have never been spoken. After two years it feels like I still don’t know much, but here’s more of what I have learned…

• Kids playing peek-a-boo actually believe that they’re invisible. When I play peek-a-boo with my son and say “Where’s Logan? Where could he be?” he’ll be standing right in front of me covering his eyes yet fully believes I can’t see him at all! And it’s not just Logan, every toddler believes it. They really do think they’re transparent. Next time I’m getting reamed out by my boss I think I may try it and see what happens.

• Baby toys drive me absolutely bonkers. There’s a little baby toy that’s been stuck under the driver’s seat of my car for months. Every 30 seconds, without fail, the toy says “blue square” or “red circle.” And every bump it squeals out “yellow” or “amarillo” (yes, the toy knows Spanish) over and over and then plays some annoying tune that has been seared into my memory forever like a bad TV jingle you can’t forget. Long car rides suck. Hell, two minute drives suck. I’ve searched for this rogue toy everywhere, have injured my forearm digging for it and even sprayed water under my seat with the hopes of dousing the battery, yet nothing works. Until I buy a new car I’m destined to listen to this toy spit out shapes and colors in two languages every half mile. Even more often if it’s bumpy.

• Logan can say tons of words and phrases now and is learning at an incredible rate. What’s funny is that certain words he says sound exactly like curse words. It’s hilarious. When he says “fork”, “shirt”, “beach”, and “clock” you’d think you were listening to George Carlin and not a two year old. I think it’s forking hysterical. It’s very funny shirt.

• I love my wife more than life and would never do anything to jeopardize my marriage. But let’s be honest people, walking through a mall with a cute baby is such a great way to meet chicks! I wish I knew this back when I was a bachelor. Ladies go crazy for Logan! When it comes to attracting pretty girls, babies are way better than puppies. If you’re a single guy reading this, listen up. Forget the dog, the sports car or the expensive new suit and go get yourself a cute little two year old instead. I have one for rent if you’re interested. You can lease Logan for only $200 a day. $150 if you feed him.

• Emily and I are forever cleaning up after our son. It’s a never ending process. Logan plays all day long and absolutely destroys our house. We clean it up and 10 minutes later he completely ransacks it again. It’s like living with a Viking. We’ve given up trying to keep it tidy. We’re just shoveling snow during a snow storm. I came home from work the other day and called the cops because I thought our house had been burglarized. You know it’s getting bad when your kids mess is mistaken for a home invasion.

• We recently found out that Logan is allergic to all kinds of nuts which means Emily and I are now nuts about nuts. We read every label. We ask twenty questions at every restaurant. We’ve become freaks about keeping our house nut free. No peanut butter. No Thai food. No macadamia crusted mahi-mahi. No pecan pie. No elephants as pets. Nothing cooked with, near or around nuts at all. It sucks because I love nuts! They’re delicious! Why did it have to be nuts? Why can’t Logan be allergic to anchovies? I hate those.

• Logan doesn’t like being held that much anymore. He loves to walk. So I walk after him. Wherever he goes, I go. I stay a few feet back, follow him everywhere and when there’s trouble I swoop in to hurry him away. Come to think of it, I’m more of a Secret Service agent then his dad, only with fewer assassination attempts.

• I think it’s funny when your wife goes shopping for “baby snacks” and buys good stuff like Ritz Bits, fruit, cookies, crackers and chips all “for the baby” but you eat it all yourself. My wife will yell, “How can you eat all of his snacks?” The real question is “Why do you keep buying delicious snacks that I too love, woman?” Buy him snacks like olives, black licorice, sauerkraut or fat-free energy bars and I’ll never, ever touch them. But continue to buy him tasty cheese crackers or scrumptious cookies and it’s him versus me…survival of the fittest!

• Like all toddlers, Logan is a schmutz magnet. He attracts every stain, crumb, dirt, mess and spill within 50 yards of him. I could strip him naked, spray him with Scotchgard and stick him in a sterile “clean room” like the ones in science labs and the boy would still come out covered in grape juice, cookie crumbs and ink from magic markers.

• Our home is officially on lock down. “Baby-proofing” a house basically turns it into a prison or mental institution for toddlers. There are gates everywhere, safety locks, padding on sharp corners, outlet covers, latches, bolts and fasteners on drawers and cupboards and barbed wire around our home’s perimeter. All he needs is a straitjacket and instead of raising a two-year old we’d be harboring a criminally insane prisoner. Meanwhile, Logan can easily open any of the supposedly “baby-proofed” doors in our house in seconds yet it takes me 20 minutes to navigate my stairwell. In our asylum the inmate is definitely running the show.

• 2 year olds love to say the word “poop.” Logan says it and giggles every time. I say it and he giggles every time. Anyone else says it and we both giggle every time. Seems that 32 year olds also love to say the word “poop.”

• I love giving my two year old son a bath! We sing and yell, play with boats and submarines, everything gets soaked and I even get to give him crazy bath time hairdos (my favorite part.) We do faux-hawks, punk spikes, middle-aged com-bovers, slicked back Mafioso cuts, pigtails (once) and my very favorite the Doc Brown from the “Back to the Future” movies. I take photos of every hairstyle for use one day in his wedding slideshow. Naked baby + funny hairdo = embarrassed son at wedding. That’s an equation for hilarity!

• I have a huge teepee set up in my living room. Apparently toddlers love teepees. Who knew? I bought this thing at Target for $20 and it’s Logan’s favorite new hang out. He’s in there all the time with his toys, reading books, eating snacks and playing poker. Dads, get your kid a teepee. They have a blast and you may even win some cash off them in a late night game of toddler teepee “Hold ‘Em”.

• Our boy loves to dance! I mean loves it. (Like father like son.) We have a “Dance Party” every night at our house…kids drink free…milk, of course. Logan does all his famous moves like the “Jump In Place”, the “Arm Wave”, the very similar “Arm Flail”, the related “Arm and Leg Thrash” and, of course, the “Robot” (which is basically a combination of all the previous arm-related dances.) He’s also good at the ever-popular “Spin Until You Fall Into the Blocks and Cry” that the kids are doing nowadays. It’s all the rage at the disco techs. Calling what Logan does “dancing” may be a stretch, but no one on “Dancing With the Stars” ever had as much fun as him. I guarantee no on that show ever did any cool moves while rocking a stinky poopy diaper…except for maybe Jerry Rice.

• Please can be an awful word. When toddlers don’t know to say please you try very hard to teach it to them. You make sure they know to use it every time they ask for something. Then they learn it. And say it over and over and over and over. The worst part is now they expect to get whatever they want just because they’ve said please. He asks so cute and I feel bad denying him, but there is no way I’m giving my son a steak knife or plastic bag to play with just because he asked politely! If he wants to play with dangerous items like that then he needs to add a “pretty, pretty please with gum drops and sprinkles on top.” I’m a sucker for gum drops.

• Logan is learning numbers and letters which is both fun and frustrating. Fun because he can count to twenty, recognizes the letters of his own name and knows the alphabet song. Frustrating because when I need him to remember a phone number or email address for me he never recalls any of the numbers or letters when I ask him. I keep telling him, 1125AAAA5VSSS followed by the word “Elmo” over and over is not a real phone number, but he doesn’t get it. Frustrating, huh?

• Like most infants, our boy loves his blanket! He calls his branka. Don’t kids give their security blankets the weirdest names? I’ve heard them called blankees, woobies, bubbas, doodees, meemos, beebos, dodos and even broccolis. Isn’t there one single baby blanket out there named Karl?

• Coming home from a long day of work and having your child race to the door, arms open wide with a smile on his face hurrying to give you a hug is one of the best feelings there is. Watching him stop a foot away from hugging you sidetracked by a shiny magnet on the refrigerator feels good too I suppose. He may not make it to me every time, but when he does, it’s everything.

• We just had a baby like two years ago and people never stop asking us when we’re having another baby! Are you kidding? Leave me alone already. What do you want from us? When you buy a new house or get a new car people don’t say, “that’s great…when are you buying another one?” My last name ain’t Osmond people! We’ll have number two when I damn well say! Or when my wife tells me it’s time. By the way, it’s time…we’re expecting baby number two this summer. (Don’t even think about mentioning baby number three.)

See, I’ve learned a lot. But the most important thing I’ve learned is that Emily and I are blessed with a really good kid…one of the great ones in fact. Sure, like any two year old he can occasionally be a real pain in the ass. We get the temper tantrums, the crying for no reason, the throwing things, the biting and hitting, the saying “mine” at everything and we even get the threatening letters and nasty phone calls from his attorney. He’s like an ex-wife! But I’ve also learned that all that crap doesn’t matter once your kid flashes you one of those fantastic smiles. I mean how can you ever really get angry at something this cute?