What I’ve Learned Now That I Have Two Kids

Muhammad Ali once said that “children make you want to start life over” and I couldn’t agree more. We’ve had such a good time with our oldest (Logan) these past 2+ years that we decided to do it again! We recently had another boy (Sawyer) and now things have really gotten interesting. More love, more stress and more laughter than ever before and it just keeps keep getting better.

Raising two kids is challenging. Fun and wonderful, but it’s a test. I’ve chronicled everything I’ve learned about having kids so far and thought I was becoming an expert. Then we had another child. Now I feel like an amateur again. Two steps forward, twenty steps back. So here is my latest entry about what I’ve learned now that we have two of them…

- I’ve learned that everything you learned with the first one you forget by the second one. It’s amazing how little you remember in just a couple of years from one baby to the next. Having a baby is like studying for a big test in school. You fill your mind with everything you need to know so you get an A but when that test is over you purge it all. I was never a good test taker. Hopefully I’ll be a better dad.

- Now that I have two kids I think I can say this: parents with only child aren’t even really parents yet. Not to diminish what the rookies go through, because having even one kid is hard. But it’s nothing compared to two. When we had one we were playing in the minor leagues and now we’ve been called up to the “big show.”

- Having a second baby reminds me of the line in “Godfather 3” when Michael Corleone says “Every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in!” With both parenthood and the mafia, you’re in it for life. Only with parenthood I’m guessing there are fewer whackings and not as many velour track suits.

- We are so much more relaxed as parents with the second one. We don’t freak out with every noise or cry, there’s no sign on the door that says “baby sleeping”, we don’t sterilize every item he touches or make everyone who touches him be sanitized and there are definitely not as many pictures or videos. Hell, he doesn’t even have his own room! Sawyer is sleeping in a bassinet in our closet and looks so much like his older brother we decided to just make copies of Logan’s pictures and tell everyone it’s the new baby. Did I say we were relaxed or lax?

- We were finally getting into a groove with Logan when Sawyer arrived. Life was just becoming normalized and then it all changes again. It’s like a game of “Chutes & Ladders” when you’re climbing and climbing, winning the game and then you roll the dice and have to slide all the way back to the beginning and start the whole game over again. Only in our game there’s a lot more crying and spitting-up.

- Our eldest, Logan, is now 2 ½ and just swoons over his baby brother Sawyer. He loves his new baby brother and tries to express it however he can. Logan wants to hug him and kiss him, touch him and poke him, pull on him, stroke him, head-butt him and be all up in his grill. When the baby is crying Logan will shove a pacifier in his mouth, usually upside down, and say “He’s fine mommy!” If he’s laying there Logan will cover him completely with a blanket thinking he’s cold. And when Sawyer is screaming his butt off Logan will tell us “He’s okay, he doesn’t need you. Pick me up!” Ahhhh, the seeds of brotherly love.

- People have asked me if having two kids is twice as hard as having one. No. It’s more like 10 times harder! Maybe even 11! You’re already exhausted, stressed out and time constrained from the first one and now there are two of them! The first still requires 100% of your time and energy and I’ve never been one to give 110 percent! I can’t imagine how people do three or more? The Huxtables always made having lots of kids look so fun and easy with their hilarious skits and delightful lip-synched songs. I guess it’s easy when dad is a doctor, mom is a lawyer and it’s a TV show that’s not real.

- I’m sick of all the stress and pressure surrounding breastfeeding. I understand that it’s preferred by doctors, better for the baby, blah blah blah. But not all women can do it. And it doesn’t work for all babies either. Some kids just suck at sucking! Our new boy Sawyer was one of them. He sucked at sucking and that made it suck for my wife which in turn made my life suckier. Now that we’ve switched him to formula our life, and our son, doesn’t suck that badly anymore.

- There is no baby shower for the second baby. Did you know that? I didn’t. It seems I have to buy everything myself for baby two instead of having everyone I know buy it for me like last time. I think it’s very inconsiderate to make me buy all the necessities of life for my own child. It’s called common courtesy people!

- After I had the first baby I thought it but never said it. Now that I have two I’ll just come out and say it. Babies are lucky God made them cute because newborns aren’t that great. They’re needy, cry all the time, eat every minute, poop something fierce and bring nothing to the table. They’re moochers, freeloaders and takers, not givers. Anyone who says they absolutely love the first three months is a liar. I love my son very much and that love grows by the day, but right now he offers me nothing. When he smiles at me for a reason other than passing gas I’ll change my view.

- We know a couple about to be first time parents and they’re adamant about using environmentally friendly diapers. Silly newbies. “Green” diapers are very expensive, need an outer covering so the diaper doesn’t leak, require a special stick used to flush the diaper down the toilet and disposing of them is a 5 step process that takes twenty minutes. We’ll see how long those parents stay “eco-friendly” when trying to change a screaming baby’s smelly diaper while half asleep at 1am…then 3am…then 5am…then 7am. It’s hard to be earth conscious while unconscious. Earth day may be every day, but a newborn poops every hour of every day. I give her “earth friendly” diapers less than a week before she could care less about the planet and more about sleep.

- Going from one child to two is a tough transition. One kid requires you and your spouse to play a zone defense. When you have two kids you need to go man to man. More difficult to master, more tiring and there are less scoring opportunities (if you know what I mean.) But defense wins championships right?

- Looking at other new parents’ baby registries now is hilarious! Oh, the money they waste buying crap they’ll never use. I wish I could warn them that the expensive pacifiers, top of the line Euro strollers, designer diaper bags and couture baby clothes are a colossal waste of money. $25 for a pacifier they’ll lose in a day? $200 for a diaper bag that will be covered in poop residue and cracker crumbs after a week? Couture clothes that will be stained with pee and spit up the first time they wear them? Please! With baby two we’re using a grocery bag as a diaper bag, his pacifier is his fingers and his clothes look strangely like his older brother’s. Come to think of it, if Sawyer was born a girl we’d have probably still put him in Logan’s duds.

- You’re supposed to give the older child a gift from the new baby so they don’t feel neglected or forgotten. What? Friends and family have also been giving Logan, our first, a gift whenever they bring a gift over for the new baby. Huh? Why does he get all these gifts for doing nothing at all? Even my wife got gifts from me, her friends and our family. Where’s my gift? Everyone around here is getting gifts except me! I’ve been the most neglected one in the house and got nuttin’! I guess a new baby and great family is a gift, but I’d rather have the gift of a brand new golf club.

- Our new boy Sawyer was recently diagnosed with a milk allergy. So now we have to give him soy formula. The kid is only two months old and he’s already a hippie! He’s also been wearing sandals, playing hacky-sack and selling beaded necklaces at street fairs. And if that’s not enough his nursery reeks like patchouli.

- We have a lot of strollers. I don’t know why we do, but we do. One for Logan and another for Sawyer, an umbrella stroller, a double wide for the two of them to share, a stroller for when we travel or go shopping, one for Emily’s car and another for mine, a sporty one for jogging and a fancy carriage for when we go to banquets or balls. We have two kids and seven strollers yet we never exercise, rarely travel, hate shopping, don’t go anywhere classy and when we do go out we always forget to bring a stroller anyway.

- I have no usable back seat in my car. With two car seats, tons of books, a million toys, the snacks, the cups, the random clothes and the myriad of random kids’ crap the back seat of my car looks like I robbed Babies R Us. But at least we don’t ever have to drive our friends when my wife and I get to go out. (Which is never anyway.)

- Our oldest is not potty trained yet so we have two little boys in diapers. We’re changing diapers all day and night. We’ve been peed on more times than a fire hydrant. We’ve seen a lot of poops. Big boy poops and little baby poops. Smelly ones and really smelly ones. One poops, two poops, red poops, blue poops. It’s a lot of diaper changing. The worst is when you’re watching two kids by yourself and both poop at the same time. It’s tough. Now that’s double-doody! I can’t wait until both boys are potty trained. By the time that happens I’ll be the one wearing diapers.

- Every so often, when the moon is in the 7th house and Jupiter is aligned with Mars, both boys will nap at the same time. This is bliss. A little slice of heaven in a sometimes hellish day. Quiet…ahhhh…then the phone rings five times, UPS delivers a package and the landscaping people are outside mowing the lawn and yelling in Spanish. All that finally ends, you close your eyes for a minute and then you hear “Mommy, Daddy, I’m awake now!” Irony is a real a-hole sometimes.

- When I was young I wanted it all. Money, women, nice cars and more. Now I only want one thing in life. Not gold and riches, a million friends or to live forever. I don’t want fame or fortune. With two infants in the house, I just want quiet. Silence. That’s all. Maybe a nap too.

I thought I was knowledgeable when I had one and that I’d learned a lot about being a dad. But having two kids will humble you, shake up your reality again and make you realize that what you really do know could fit in a baby’s fist and that there is still much to learn. So very much.

I may not know it all, but I love being a dad and wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love watching my boys together. What have I learned so far? That seeing your kids loving each other is the best feeling there is. See what I mean?