A Jewish Christmas

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Kickass Kwanza! Terrific Tet! Beautiful Bodhi! Whatever you celebrate, have a happy one!

And for my politically correct or agnostic friends…have a Content Non-Denominational Winter Season!

Every year I send out this poem and it’s become an instant holiday classic like “The Night Before Christmas”, egg-nog and wearing ugly-ass sweaters. So enjoy this little tongue-in-cheek poke at Christmas from a Jewish boy’s perspective.

"A Jewish Christmas" by Adam Lazarus

Christmas comes but once a year. For me that is enough.
You see, I am a Jewish boy which makes things kind of tough.

Hanukkah is nice and all, but c'mon let's be real.
It ain’t hard to see we got the raw end of the deal.

All my friends are Christian folk, but since I am a Jew,
There are fun traditions that I never get to do.

I don’t hang my ornaments upon a Christmas tree.
There’s no stocking stuffed with love for Hebrew kids like me.

Whose lap can I sit on with my list of games and toys?
St. Nick doesn't bring a thing for Jewish girls and boys.

Santa's giving Playstations to little Christian kids.
The Rabbi at my Temple's giving dreidels to us Yids.

I don't get to decorate my house with flashing lights.
No, I'm burning candles for eight so-called "festive" nights.

We don't sing 'bout decking halls or reindeers with red noses.
All we do is sit there and tell stories about Moses.

No one sends us fruitcake. All we get are macaroons.
We don't get the Grinch or other holiday cartoons.

Who wants greasy blintzes or a latke made from scratch?
I want ham and eggnog and some cookies by the batch.

I can't even send a card! The picking’s just too slim.
My friend always gives me the same card that I give him!

Our catalog of Hanukkah music isn’t very strong,
‘Cause other than that Sandler tune, we only have one song.

We don't go on sleigh rides and we don't hang mistletoe.
On December 25th we've got no place to go.

Chinese food and movies are a Jewish Christmas Eve,
When we wake the next day there’s no presents to receive.

Just give us a menorah and some candles and we're fine.
And if we want to party we add Manischewitz wine.

Listen, I like Hanukkah. I just think it’s funny.
They get wreaths and tinsel. We get chocolate covered money.

Hanukkah's a time to honor Judah Maccabee,
He taught Jewish people 'bout conserving energy.

Christians got the birth of Christ and we got something too.
The miracle of lasting light from one important Jew.

Now you know the story and the reason I complain.
Maybe now you Christians will begin to feel my pain.

I love being Jewish! But the goy have got us beat.
Hanukkah's just not as good, it really can't compete.

They can have this holiday, for we have many more.
Gentiles may get Christmas, but we Jews get Yom Kippur!