Lazdog's March music recommendations...

Everyone knows I'm really into music. And if you didn't know, now you know. I have gotten many requests to include a music recommendations section of the Lazblog so others may be introduced to what I think is the best in music.

My taste is pretty diverse; from hip-hop to doo-wop, classic to country and soul to rock n' roll. I like everything from the Beach Boys to the Beastie Boys - old school, new school and even middle school. And though I'm not the end all be all to what is great, I think I have pretty good taste in music and thought you all might enjoy these artists too. So here's what I'm bumping in my iPod as we speak. Check out these artists/songs on iTunes (or wherever) when you get a chance:

Sam Cooke - just damn good classic soul. One of the best voices ever, listening to this man sing always makes me smile. Download "Good Times" if you simply want to feel all around great and "Bring It On Home To Me" for old school smoothness that you don't get in today's music.

Matisyahu - An orthodox Jew singing reggae and rap. Huh? What? That's right, this bearded, big-hatted Hebrew can really bring it. He is the real deal and his uplifting songs are worth a listen. Check out the popular song "King Without a Crown" and the cathy "Time of Your Song" for a little BOOyakashaw! from Crown Heights, Brooklyn.

Johnny Cash - if you haven't heard this legend than not only are you living in a vacuum but you're missing out on one of the greatest country songwriters who ever lived. The movie may have made it mainstream to like him, but Johnny Cash's music is too good not to like. I've loved his simple sound since I first heard the song "Folsom Prison Blues" in this guy's pick-up truck when I was 14 and that's just one of dozens of classics. (Don't ask why I was in the guys pickup truck.)

People Under the Stairs - underground Cali hip hop that mixes fresh lyrics with great beats and sweet-ass melodies. Their brand of rap is perfect for chillin' on a Summer day and they can rhyme with the very best of them. Like "A Tribe Called Quest" meets "Digable Planets", check out the songs "Acid Raindrops" or "July 3rd" for a taste of the realness from the People Under the Stairs.

Michael Franti & Spearhead - this is great stuff! Sort of "Wyclef" meets "The Roots" with pure poetry in motion instead of lyrics. I love these guys. Best music discovery in months for me. Definitely give your ears a vacation with songs like "Never Too Late", "Stay Human (Stereo Steambath Remix)", "Ganja Babe" and "Sometimes" - these guys need to be heard.

Slightly Stoopid - funny name, but seriously good. This is one of my favorite bands. Like Sublime before them, this SoCal group is fantastic! By no means "undiscovered" but they just haven't gotten the respect they deserve by the masses...and I like it that way. Their mix of laid back beach music mixed with some surf-punk songs have everything you need. There's reggae, rap and rock all in one and man oh man are they good live. You won't be disappointed, I promise. Download the songs "Officer", "Everything You Need" and "Collie Man" for just a taste of this California coolness and I guarantee they become one of your favorite bands too.

Nightmares on Wax - no words, just a DJ mixing great beats with transe inducing tunes. Slow and low, that is the tempo. Like Moby, only really good. Nightmares on Wax IS chillout music defined. Downtempo, laid back trip-hop at its absolute finest. Perfect for Sunday drives, studying, zoning out, doing the nasty, etc. Give a listen to gems like "Capumcap", "Fire In the Middle" and "Morse" to hear the soundtrack for relaxation.

Here are some other random songs that I'm listening to (all available on iTunes). Do yourself a favor and check them out too. (Let me know what you think!) You can get a free 30 sec. sample of each on iTunes - they're a trip, they got a funky beat and you can BUG OUT to 'em...

Visioneers - Replay
Visioneers - Ike's Mood I
Rocco DeLuca - Colorful
Jack Johnson - Broken
The Beautiful Girls - Music
Scissor Sisters - Take Your Mama
Cypress Hill - The Only Way
Digable Planets - Pacifics
Faces - Stay With Me
Jamie Lidell - Multiply
Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict a Riot
Mobb Deep - Shook Ones, Pt. 2

Open your ears and shut your mouth...

DJ Laz
"Bringing great new music to my favorite people since 1991"

New parent stats...

Our son Logan is now 5 weeks old and what a ride its been so far. It's a lot of work, but oh so worth it. Emily and I were talking the other day about how much our lives have changed (for the better) in such a short time. He's a very good boy and Emily is such a great mom!

When I really started thinking about the past 5 weeks and just how much has happened I began compiling the stats in my head and it was overwhelming, so I decided to share these stats with you. It really puts parenthood into perspective.

New Parent Stats

840 = number of hours Logan has been alive

736 = number of hours Logan has been asleep

82 = number of hours Mommy and Daddy have slept

337 = peepee and/or poopoo filled dirty diapers we've changed

11 = times we've been peed on

1,071 = ounces of breast milk guzzled down by Logan

163 = ounces of breast milk spit back up by Logan

5 = shirts ruined by aforementioned spit up

3 out of 4 = dentists that recommend Oral-B toothbrushes

31 = loads of baby related laundry

50% = percentage of Logan that is me

50% = percentage of Logan that is Emily

27 = number of rock, paper, scissors games to decide who cleans the really bad diapers

27 = number of times Daddy has cleaned the aforementioned diapers desite winning the game

33 = times I've sworn Logan has smiled at me though it was really gas-related

5 out of 4 = people that are bad at fractions

489 = photos taken of our new baby boy

423 = photos taken of our new baby boy sleeping

50% = people in the world that are below average

1,632 = baby related questions we've asked our Pediatrician, parents, family members, friends with kids and smart-looking strangers

1,632 = different answers, opinions and bits of advice we've gotten when we ask those questions

$312 = dollars spent online by Daddy for baby neccessities like Beastie Boys onesies, Spiderman sleepers and N.Y. Jets bibs and pacifiers.

2 - 4 weeks = amount of weeks allowed for delivery of above items

63% = percentage of statistics that are made up on the spot

26 = pacifiers purchased

0 = pacifiers around when you need one

And the most important stat of all...

1 = fantastic, beautiful, amazing new son



Laz

Ways to make everyday situations much more enjoyable...

Whenever I'm anywhere I always think of a way to make the situation funnier...for me. I don't usually care if it gets a laugh as long as I am giggling, that's all that matters. So with that in mind I created the following list of ways to make everyday situations much more enjoyable. They are funny, random things to do that may make people look at you strangely but will guarantee that you'll have a better time. Believe me, it works. I've done about 90% of these things (ask Emily) and it's funny every time...at least I'm laughing.

Fast Food Joints
· Order just an “extra cheese” and when the cashier asks what you want the extra cheese on, tell them “I want it on the first piece, missy.” This especially works best when the cashier is a man.
· Ask for an order with Dutch Fries and when they tell you they only have French Fries, start ranting and raving at the top of your lungs about how you “refuse to eat those fries because the French screwed the Americans during World War 2” and how “this restaurant must be run by Nazis!.”
· When they put your order on the tray, take out some tomatoes and onions that you’ve brought from home and start cutting them up on the counter to put on your food.
· Ask the workers what they think you should order and then scream at them for making a poor choice.
· Sing your order to the tune of “I’m Henry the VIII, I Am.” (Ex. I’ll have a Diet Coke I will, have a Diet Coke I will, I will…)
· While the cashier is looking down inputting your order, bend your knees just a little lowering your height behind the counter. Order many items slowly and lower yourself again and again. By the time you’re done ordering you should have your chin resting on the counter.
· Ask the cashier what he’d order if he were eating and whatever he tells you, order it along with your own order. Then when the cashier tells you what your total is, tell him that he owes you a few bucks for the items that he wanted.
· Ask to see the manager and when he/she comes over, proceed to start shadow boxing. Then begin telling the manager that you’ve been training for months and want them to now be your “manager” in the “big fight.”

Banks
· Give the teller a $100 bill and tell them you want him to make change. When they ask what denominations you want it in, tell them you’d like two Lutherans, four Episcopalians, and the rest in Roman Catholics.
· Hand the teller a $20 and tell them that you’d like “20 bucks in chips for the Roulette table.” When they look at you befuddled, say “I’m just joking, Roulette is for suckers…Craps is where the real dough is!”
· As the teller is counting your money, begin to shout out random numbers in the hopes of confusing them. Apologize repeatedly, but continue to do it each time they begin counting.
· Place your mouth on the glass separation between the teller and yourself and blow over and over making your cheeks puff out. When the weird looks begin, just look around and yell out in a British-Cockney accent “That makes me cheeks itchy!”
· Tell the teller random, inane, incorrect facts about money. For example, "Did you know money is green because of all the chlorophyll."
· Go into the bank dressed like the banker from Monopoly and start bossing everyone around like you own the place.

Mall Information Booths
· Ask them how much the mall weighs.
· Ask the person working for random information like "I need information on the gestation period of the Florida manatee?"
· Demand to see Mr. Wetzel regarding the ridiculous prices of his pretzels.
· Ask what the temperature is in the mens rooms and no matter what they say yell "UNACCEPTABLE!."
· Ask them where the store is that sells assless chaps.
· Tell them you went into the store Athlete's Foot and now your toes are burning and stinging and you need some Lamisil immediately.
· Ask them if they know what the word "mall" is short for.

Restaurants
· If they ask, "Do you have a smoking preference?" say "Marlboro Lights."
· When the waiter says "I'm Jim, I'll be your server tonight" respond by saying "I'm Adam, I'll be your eater tonight." (It's funnier when you're name isn't even Adam.)
· When you're done with your meal and there are leftovers the waiter usually asks, "Do you wanna box for that?" Say "Yeah, it's go time" and stand, put up your fists and start boxing with them.
· When being seated with your wife and they ask "table for how many?", say that you need two tables for one.
· Order a drink called “The Rump-Shaker”, and when they ask what it is tell them it’s a mixture of ½ Mr. Pibb and ½ Honey Mustard sauce.
· If the restaurant uses one of those remote vibrating pagers to notify you when your table is ready, when it goes off start screaming and acting like it's shocking you with electricity.
· When you ask them "How long is the wait?", no matter how they respond say "Can you add 5 minutes to that because I have to take a huge dump. By the way, where's your crapper?"

99 Cent Stores
· For every item keep asking the salespeople, "How much is this?" Do this until you're asked to leave.
· If you're at the store "Everything's A Dollar" give the cashier one dollar and say, "I'll take everything!"
· Ask them random questions like "Where is the jewelry department?" or "Do you sell tires?"
· Pay for everything in pennies.
· Buy one item and write a check for it.

Try some of these things next time you're out and about and let me know how it goes. I'm sure it will be fun, fun, fun! Send me your own ideas too.

Laz

Joketime...

I think it's very important to always know a good joke. Not neccesarily a dirty joke or some long winded story, although those are good too, just a quick joke for young or old to enjoy. People love jokes and I think everyone should know at least one. (Believe me, kids LOVE these jokes!)

I don't take credit for these, I just "collect" jokes and think these are really funny so I thought I'd share them with you. Stop me if you've already heard them...

Why are there so many Johnson’s in the phone book? They all have phones

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers

What do you call a fish with no “i”? Fsh

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed dear (Get it...no idea)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still, no eyed dear

How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer

What do you call the black stuff in-between elephant’s toes? Slow natives

Why are police officers so smelly? They’re always on duty

What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? Dam!

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out ofa tree would kill you? A pool table

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef

Hahahahahaha...I must be a real dad now because I know lots of lame jokes. Hope you liked these...I have lots more. If you know a good one too, send me a comment with a joke and I'll post it on the Lazblog.

You know what they say, a joke a day keeps the devil from invading your soul and taking you down into the depths of hell to serve him in a fiery cauldron of doom for all eternity. Plus, they're just so darn funny!

Laz

This is tough...

This blogging thing is hard. The typing part is easy, it's remembering to constantly update the blog every day or so. I've already gotten several emails/comments from people asking where the new material is. It's coming.

I have precious little free time but I enjoy this blogging thing so I promise to keep updating it as often as I can.

The Lazblog was intended to be a receptacle for all things Laz, both the G-rated Logan updates and some R-rated material too...so please don't be offended if you read something off-color. Just a warning as I've received some flack from the wifey that some material may be innapropriate for certain readers. Screw those readers. If you don't like the material then go read some lame blog about gardening or how to make delicious biscuits. This is my blog and I can write what I want.

By the way, as I was writing that last line Logan just ripped the loudest fart ever and it was hilarious. Wait, I have to change his diaper...not so funny after all.

Laz

What I've learned in the first 2 weeks...

Most of you have seen this already, but it's become very popular and sort of taken on a life of its own so I decided to post it on my blog.


To my peeps,

So I’ve only been a dad now for 2 short weeks, but I’ve already had many realizations in this very short time regarding fatherhood. It’s been an amazing ride so far and I know it only gets better, but here’s what I’ve learned so far…

- Eat. Sleep. Poop. Repeat. That’s the routine. Newborns don’t do anything else.

- People always ask us the same stupid question…”getting any sleep?” NO! No we’re not. None. Not a wink. Nothing at all. Even when we “sleep” we’re not sleeping because you know you have to wake up in an hour. It’s like when you’d fall asleep in class. You close your eyes, start to drool and then wake up abruptly flailing your arms and scare the shit out of yourself and the person next to you.

- The circumcision, or bris as us Hebrews call it, is an awful, awful process. The basics are this…they strap the baby down to a board, rub topical anesthetic all over “the area”, inject Lydocaine directly into his hoo-hah, say a few prayers and use a cigar cutter, yes, a cigar cutter to make the little Darth Vader helmet. And all of this madness is done in front of an audience. Then everyone eats bagels. Yes, I know it’s an ancient custom but it was tough to watch. But at least now he won’t get made fun of in gym class.

- Babies-R-Us owns my ass. I’ve been back there at least a dozen times since Logan was born to get things we “need.” The list of must-have items includes, but is not limited to: 1) Nipples, nipples and more nipples…stage 1s, slow-flows, air-frees, natural shapes, easy sucks and every other type of nipple they make. And guess what? They ALL still give him major gas. 2) Bottle warmer…yes, I spent $20 on something that warms up bottles of milk in 3 minutes. I already had something like that, it’s called a microwave! But it seems that microwaves don’t work for breast milk…at least Babies-R-Us wants us to think that. And running the bottle under warm tap water was too easy, so I bought a machine to do it. 3) Mirrors for our cars so we can see the baby while driving…“yes, he’s STILL asleep dear.” 4) “Butt Paste”…yes, that’s actually what the brand is called, “Butt Paste.” Actually, I wasn’t sure what it did when I bought it but if you ever see a product called “Butt Paste” you buy it first and ask questions later.

- I’m now a supporter of teenage pregnancy. Not because I think kids should be having kids, that’s awful, but because 18 year olds are the only ones who have the energy required to be up all night, night after night. 30 year olds need sleep! Emily and I sleep maybe 3 hours a night - I’m running on adrenaline and breast milk fumes and that’s it.

- We do baby laundry twice a day, every day. I should by stock in Dreft we’re doing so many loads.

- I always swore I’d never dress my baby in cutesy outfits or newborn costumes like sailor suits or baby cowboy stuff…but he just looks so damn cute in that crap!

- Baby clothes, blankets, towels, etc. are sooooo soft! I wish they made more adult items in terry cloth, chenille or fleece. I’d make my whole wardrobe out of whatever they make receiving blankets from. And yes, I now know what a receiving blanket is.

- Do not whine to your wife about how you have a nasty, stingy paper cut just hours after she’s delivered a 7 ½ lb. baby. She’s not very sympathetic.

- Putting together baby stuff like bassinets and swings and pack-n-plays is harder than putting together a custom chopper. I’ve never actually assembled a custom motorcycle but those guys on American Chopper do it in an hour and it took me an entire afternoon (and some of the evening) to figure out where the mobile goes on the play pen. Where’s Pauly Jr. when you need him?

- Babies can’t focus on your face at all so all the smiling, funny faces, cooing, oohing and awing is for naught. You think their looking at you, you can swear it, but they can’t see a damn thing. I’m told they only see fuzzy blobs about a foot away and only in black and white…so it’s basically like they’re watching TV in the 50’s and you’re “The Honeymooners.”

- All newborns look like little alien babies and are rather frog-like in appearance….except your child. YOUR baby is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen and they will never be cuter…until the next day, then the next and so on.

- Regarding your baby, you are very paranoid about cleanliness and sterilization - everyone has to wash their hands with pumice, they must use Purell every 5 minutes and you boil the pacifiers and bottles and such…for like the first week. Week two you’re still washing your hands but the Purell is occasional and you’re rinsing the pacifiers in tap water. I’m guessing by week 3 I’ll just wipe my hands on my shirt and then just shake the pacifier off to clean it. Their immune systems should kick in by then, right?

- Watching your wife pumping breast milk for the first time is just weird. You kind of get used to it, but it never just feels right to watch it. The first time you handle said milk, it’s weird too. And yes, it’s VERY weird if you want to taste it. Just don’t.

- Every noise, every odd movement and every time they sleep too long you check them. Are they still breathing? Yes. Are they hurt? Nope. Logic and reason tells you they’re fine. But what if that hiccup means they’re choking? Logic and reason be damned, it’s my kid.

- Newborn poop looks like spicy mustard with sesame seeds in it and smells like moldy bread.

- People without kids ask me what I can compare the first weeks too. Really, nothing. But I guess it’s kind of like staying up all night in Vegas without any of the gambling or booze or partying and the only boobs you see have babies hanging from them.

- Speaking of Vegas, I’m supposed to go on a bachelor party to Vegas next month and all the guys who are going keep asking me, “Aren’t you excited?” Three nights away from a crying baby who’s up all night long so I don’t get any sleep and I get to go to a place where I’ll be up all night and not get any sleep? Yeah, can’t wait.

- You swear you won’t be “one of those dads” who take pictures of the baby every moment of their life, but you become one anyway. I’m like an Asian tourist in Epcot. I take pictures of him every 10 minutes yet 90% of them are photos of him sleeping. Who needs hundreds of pictures of a sleeping newborn? We do.

- If one more person tells me to “get used to it” when I say I’m tired I’m going to murder them where they stand.

- After giving birth your wife gets emotional…very emotional. First she cries, then zones out for awhile and then goes to sleep mad at you…actually it sounds a lot like the night we conceived.

- Newborns are better than alarm clocks. They require no batteries and you can hear them from anywhere in the house. We set Logan to 7am so I’m not late for work, 8pm so we know when “My Name Is Earl” is on and every other time in between. You simply can’t forget to feed them or change them, they just won’t let you. The only negative to our baby alarm clock is that every time I hit the snooze button I’m afraid I’ll damage his soft spot.

- Nothing, I mean nothing, can prepare you for the actual act of childbirth. The result is wonderful but for me the process was like being in a car wreck…it happened so fast, I couldn’t remember much of it, I was a little dazed, I tried but couldn’t look away, there was a lot of blood and screaming, and afterwards my insurance went up.

- Changing a baby boy is like being in the first few rows at Sea World…prepare to get wet. It’s like a Gallagher show, you need to wear a poncho or else pee will get all over you, the baby, the clean clothes you’ve set aside, the new diaper and even the yummy sandwich you’re eating as you change him. I already got peed on three times today.

- Never complain about the difficulties of newborns to your friends with 2 year olds, more than one child or colicky babies…you get a lot of eye rolls and/or “go F yourselfs.” Other parents don’t EVER want to hear you bitch and moan about your child, especially after only 2 weeks.

- A baby fresh out of the bathtub, all clean and cozy and warm, is just about the cutest thing you’ll ever see and makes this whole wild rollercoaster ride worth it. See what I mean…

That’s what I’ve learned in only 2 weeks…imagine what I’ll know in a month.

Adam Lazarus
alazarus@golf520.com

Old news...

To get everyone caught up (like you don't know already), Emily and I had a new baby boy on February 23. His name is Logan and he is the best thing ever. He'll be 1 month old tomorrow. Time flies when you get no sleep.

Ain't he cute...

Lazdog Has a Blog!

So I finally did it...I'm blogging. At least I think I'm blogging. I've never blogged before. I've jogged, but never blogged. I don't think it's the same thing.

I send out so many emails and decided that from now on I'll put my thoughts, jokes, commentary, ideas, poems and random utterances here in this blog instead of annoying people with an email every day.

So enjoy the Lazblog. (Get it, it's like Lazdog but I switched it up a bit. Clever huh?)

Check back often to see the latest posts...anything from pictures of our new son Logan to funny things I think of and random stuff such as music I like, jokes, factoids and even recipes (as long as they include cheese.)

Please feel free to contact me or make requests whenever you'd like. For a small fee I'll custom write poems, speeches, roasts and will even write your essay from Grad School if needed.

Here goes nothing...

Adam Lazarus
alazarus@golf520.com